daring to disturb the universe

my news

2012-02-07T10:23:00.002-05:00

I found out last Sunday that I have 30 credits/9 required classes and 1 elective left before I graduate. I'm a sophomore, so having an academic year between me and my future is unusual. I had been planning and preparing to study abroad in a Grove City house campus in France. But the classes offered over there weren't the specific ones I need. I was thinking about going anyway, then taking spring and fall semesters and graduating in December of my senior year.

So after a few days of really hard deliberation, I decided to give up France and graduate a whole year early, which opened up a whole year here on campus, so I decided to apply for RA again (22 hours before the app was due). I got no sleep all week.

Sure, the decision was hard. It was hard because I had been holding on so tightly to my own little plan of going to France junior year and RAing again senior year. Then I had both of those taken from me, and I had to trust that God would choose for me. I had no control at all. Slowly but surely, all the doors to France were softly closed [for now]. In 4 days, I went from being a sophomore to a junior, and I fast-forwarded through to my "third" year of college. Or if you look at it in another way, I will never have a senior year. Either way, it feels like just one more thing in my life that is making me grow up faster than I feel ready to.

I'll be graduating with my friends on staff who are juniors now, including my roommate. This time next year, I will be a few months away from graduating. And just like I had to let God take control and close those doors for me, I can only cling to the fact that he will prepare me to graduate and be an adult 7 months before I am of drinking age.

It's all pretty insane that I'm already thinking about getting an apartment or living abroad as an au pair or taxes...It's pretty insane for my boyfriend, who will be graduating a year later than me, not to mention all of my close friends who are sophomores. I've done my research and found out that alphabetically, I'll graduate before my much-older friends with last names that start with S or W. It's a lot to process.

I can genuinely tell you that this is where God is taking me, but I'm not going to lie to you and say that it's going to be easy at all. The post-grad world will be a lonely realm to navigate without other close friends going through it with me, and a year apart from Camden isn't going to be a walk in the park either. But I'm also kind of excited. I don't have any desire to hang around campus and take Asian Pottery and Interpretative German Dance for all of senior year. I'm pumped to save the year's worth of money for my brothers and mom to be able to go to college, too. It's just been a really tough decision and I'm going to be feeling the effects of it for the rest of my life, and so are the people that I love most. So needless to say I would really like a vacation right now.

bucket list.

2012-02-05T00:35:00.001-05:00

blessings

2012-01-09T23:22:00.002-05:00

Girlfriends who are going through awkward or terrible situations that are humble enough to laugh and sigh over mall food court lunches with me. I love them.

A potential missions-internship opportunity right under my nose after a long, frustrating search to fill my summer with resume padders.

Sitting in a 7-11 parking lot eating ice cream and reminiscing with old friends.

A boyfriend who holds me and lets me cry even when I'm just tired and I'm not crying for any reason at all. And who pulls me out of my comfort zone and buys baguettes and pears for homeless people.

Brothers to tickle, hang out with, and play music with. A simple love that can't ever leave.

A new pastor who challenges me to trust God.

Phone calls, letters and facebook messages that make me feel warm inside.

A God with perfect, perfect timing and gentle love in tough lessons.

uneasy

2011-11-21T22:54:00.002-05:00

I feel uneasy about Pentecostaly things.

Let me clarify.I have some sort of deep-seated, subconscious mistrust of a wilder spirituality. "Baptized in the Spirit" sounds very strange. And anyone who breaks a worship sound barrier by yelling/dancing/rocking back and forth/screaming/not speaking English makes me cringe. Phrases like "intentional community" or "casting out sicknesses"...

well, I was never given the kind of language to respond to that.
I feel awkward. Stiffen.
Oh, I try to understand. But I cannot block out my burning question-

IS THAT REAL?

I am sitting here in this church worshiping the same God as you. We live in the same culture. We have the same Bible.So why do we worship so differently?

There is a secret, terrible voice that tells me I am better than this person because I am not disturbing the other people around me.
There is another deep jealousy that they have a connection that I somehow missed out on.
There is an obvious annoyance at being pulled out of my own internal Christian-ness and into someone else's heart - loud, strange, uncomfortable.

I tug on God's sweater (because...God wears sweaters) to ask Him, hey, is that what I'm supposed to have?
And He smiles.
LET YOURSELF LOVE ME.

God works on us each as we need to be worked on. God speaks our language. He helps us be able to love Him back. And I figure some people need to be loud. Some people need to dance or yell.

It's hard to be ok with that, especially when I meet someone Pentecostaly and all I hear is FAKE FAKE THIS PERSON IS JUST PUTTING ON A SHOW FOR ATTENTION I WILL NOT LISTEN TO THEM.

Jesus has an effect on everyone He heals. Some people shouted and screamed and followed Him on his Awesome 100% Fresh Pharisee Smashing Tour (That is in Luke somewhere). And some people went back to their communities, resumed their lives as transformed people. I think that's still true today.

What makes it awkward is the clash of quiet vs loud, reserved vs wild, and most often culture vs culture.

So go for it, Mrs Crazy Pentecostal. I need to feel a little uncomfortable.
And I need to love Him and you a lot better.

How about you - which camp are you in, and what is God trying to teach you about the other?

Thanksgiving/christmas reading

2011-11-21T22:50:00.002-05:00

These are all books I have read dearly. The books I take on beach vacations and scary adventures like college. These are books I know inside and out. Reading them, you might as well be reading the paper-crinkly, yellowed-inky fabric of my soul. So I highly recommend them :) PS most of them are kids' books.
The Ramsay Scallop
The True Confession of Charlotte Doyle
I Capture the Castle
Many Waters
Harry Potter
Rose in Bloom
A Girl of the Limberlost
Jo's Boys
Firesong
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
Artemis Fowl
Queen's Own Fool
Little Women
The Hidden Hand

Me right now

2011-11-18T22:27:00.002-05:00

Current color: Red.
Current playlist: She & Him's christmas album (yeahhh) and covers of Disney's cartoon Robin Hood.
Current read: you're kidding, right?
Current excitement: Going home tomorrow.
Current mood: totally tired. and really spacey.
Current food: the junky kind. and this stuff.
Current favorite show: Chuck, Cam and I watch it together :)
Current wish list: Things with feathers on them, chocolate, functional shoes.
Current needs: a chiropractor. and a good night's sleep.
Current bane of my existence: the 6-hour drive between me and home.
Current indulgence: the junk food.
Current blessing: My RA staff sitting with me. We're watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Current outfit: leggings, sweats over those. a shirt i designed myself. fleece pullover.
Current celebrity crush: Ryan Gosling, because of this blog.
Current triumphs: almost done with my first semester, not failing any classes, and got a lot of work and room checks out of the way. OH and my paper on gay marriage rights, you know the one that almost killed me, well it's done.
Current link: I can smell his face.

2011-09-21T20:22:00.002-04:00

It's very good to be back at school.Very, very good.I'm going to try and be better about blogging this year...like once a week better. The update:Hall - great. Unified, sweet, great women, lots of passion. I'm excited to have them in my life.Friends - love them. Need them. So glad they're in my life.Cam - same. And he finally stopped using his ridiculous cane today. (Poor knee. And poor me, dating That Cane Guy.)God and me - good. I want more though. Much more.In other news, Autumn!!!!!!! I'm going to name one of my daughters Autumn.Enjoy coffee...leaves...textbooks....thrift store sweaters...not sweating.Back soon. Stay tuned.

where did my summer go?

2011-07-27T22:30:00.003-04:00

How blessedly quickly God can fast forward 3 months.

It seems like a week ago I was trucking back to Jersey, with my dirty clothes and textbooks stuffed into my minivan.

And now I am almost done with summer. It didn't feel like summer, because it wasn't very fun. There were fun parts, like the weekends I would spend with Camden, or a fun night at home with my family, or singing at church, or talking to my parents, or going on adventures in Manhattan.

But most of this summer was hard. Hard to be working when I just wanted to rest. Hard to not be making money (internship). Hard to keep up school friendships and be intentional about home friendships when all I wanted to do was crash after work. Hard to be cheerful. Hard to enjoy God.

And now the summer is almost over. What do I have to show for it? A couple of train ticket stubs. A farmer's tan from working with volunteers outside. Paint stains on my leg that I still can't wash off. Memories. And what I hope God has through His kindness made into a more cheerful, content and womanly heart.

A few more days of work, then I'm off to the Outer Banks with my family for the first real rest I will have had in a long, long time. I think my head needs it.

Then. I pack all my belongings into my minivan again, this time with clean clothes and textbooks I plan to resell to unsuspecting freshmen. And I will begin again, just like I did when I started summer back in May.

What do you have to show for your summer? Any regrets? Any lessons learned? Take the poll on the sidebar, too. Love you guys.

What I did today, take two.

2011-06-21T18:56:00.005-04:00

6 - woke up. looked at alarm clock. heck no.
6 25 - got up. coffee. cinnamon rolls.
6 50 - leave house, walk towards station.
6 52 - run into neighbor. says the train tracks are on fire.
6 53 - he gives me a ride to newark. so nice!!!!!!
7 23 - i take the path train (which is separate from nj transit, so....not on fire). my face is in some man's armpit. i hate crowded subways.
8 55 - brooklyn. i paint a pool with some gung-ho volunteers. i don't talk much, i am too tired.
9 05 - i drop a paint can all over my nice sneaker. green everywhere. i am tired.
1 20 - we are done. i clean up, then go back into the city reading i capture the castle.
2 15 - i decide not to waste my day and head uptown to the met.
2 30 - buy some street coffee from a truck, sit on the steps of the museum. hot, sweaty, covered in paint. tourists gawk. i must be an artist, they think.
2 40 - stand at sink in busy restroom, scrubbing off paint. old art ladies stare. i am quite a spectacle.
2 43 - yesssssss, i packed an extra shirt! in stall, scrape off last of the paint, change, put on gloss and perfume and put my hair up. magic. they do not even recognize me as I leave.
2 45 - wander around Renaissance and Romantic period portraits, then sketch some statues.
4 03 - lunch/dinner. linner. dunch. a pizza place off of lex. the old man behind the counter flirts with me ("you know why you're so hungry? you saw me, baby") and lets me pay for my $10 meal with all i have, $7 and a few pennies.
5 12 - train back home. i sit next to another man with bad bo. someone needs to tell these suited, sweaty men about clinical strength deoderant.
5 57 - angel mother picks me up from station so i don't have to walk anymore.
6 04 - spacing out. still tired.
7 14 - blog.

What I did today

2011-06-01T18:46:00.003-04:00

My days are so interesting because I have a really eclectic internship. MY JOB IS SO WEIRD. Yesterday I went all the way to Far Rockaway (the furthest train stop in NYC) for some school site visits. Tomorrow I'm going to go to Brooklyn again to a DIFFERENT pool to help staff a corporate project. I feel like telling you about a usual day will give you an idea why it'll be tougher for me to answer your calls this summer...

6:20 Alarm goes off.
6:37 I actually get up.
6:54 Eat weird fibrous Greek yogurt with tons of Kashi and honey, chug an iced coffee.
7:08 Walk to station, watching the sun rise.
7:19 Miss the 7:18 train.
7:32 Get on train next to lady who looks like she doesn't want anyone to sit next to her. Look out window and think about how thankful I am to have a job .. of sorts.
8:20 Emerge from Penn Station. Don't know where the D train is.
8:22 Asks policeman with giant machine gun standing in front of a door. He is surprisingly friendly.
8:31 Takes D train to Brooklyn.
9:14 Walks through Chinese/Orthodox Jewish neighborhood. Is culturally confused.
9:20 Arrives at Sunrise Park, cannot find the supervisor. Watches the old Asian couples play ping-pong viciously for a few minutes.
9:50 Calls paint supply, my boss, my co-intern, finally finds out what's going on.
10:04 Gets mistaken for a prostitute by two Latino men.
10:05 I pretend to not notice them. They walk away.
10:29 Sits down with two other female co-workers. The two men are there, along with three of their friends. They're drinking beer.
10:40 Paint finally arrives. Begins to prime giant 16x18' wall facing the kiddie pool. The men are watching from the other side of the pool and occasionally call out at us. The paint in robin's eggs blue, and is all over me.
12:15 Break for lunch. Pizza and tea. I'm so sunburned.
1:02 We're back. Thankfully the men are gone. We touch up the wall, then sketch a giant mural of an underwater scene with Sharpies.
2:04 We call our boss. Home early?
2:05 No. We take a few different trains back to the office.
2:46 Calls different schools in Queens to schedule site visits for a giant volunteer event.
3:22 Updating our Google Maps database.
3:58 Editing stuff used in our campaign.
4:09 Researches kayaking in the Hudson for a department outing/my own fun.
4:45 Boring data entry stuff. Eats massive free Rice Krispie treat (Literally a giant block of awesome.)
5:10 Straightens desk. It's gorgeous.
5:12 Leaves office.
5:34 Gets on train, texts Camden about his day and mine.
6:22 Metuchen station. Buys monthly pass for AMTRAK (Lord, a lot of money).
6:27 Eats some honeysuckle.
6:40 Home.
7:22 Blog.

Now I'm going to eat, shower, buy some shorts, go to youth group, call Kate, journal, prepare for tomorrow, read some Bible and sleep.

I love my life.

whooohoooo!

2011-05-27T20:19:00.002-04:00

I'm back for the summer. Well, I was three weeks ago. It feels like 2 months, just because time moves so differently here at home, when life isn't about pure and basic academic survival. I came home and was kind of in a coma for 2 weeks, then I started my super-cool internship with New York Cares. I'm already running around, jumping on all sorts of trains, making dumb commuting mistakes (Uptown? Amtrak? Express line? Huh?) and going on site visits and chillin in the office (dude. i have my own desk and computer) and staffing corporate projects. It's fun.
Cam is visiting this weekend!!!!!!ad finitum
I'm really excited. Because when you fall in love with someone and your lives are so interconnected at school....when you're not around them....well, for me, it feels like having an arm chopped off. I'm cool being a single lady. (If I wasn't, I highly doubt God would have nudged Cam in my direction in the first place.) But I love my man. So there you go. Epic weekend of love, followed by not seeing him for a month (laaaame). But I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm thinking about picking him up tomorrow at Metropark and ATTACKING him and making all the other people on the train track wish they brought their barf bags.
Anyways, I'm going to put in a poll on the side of the blog to see how many readers I have, because I'm curious. Blogger doesn't tell me. Click it please, then I can know! (And if it's more than 4 or 5 people, I'll write more regularly, promise, haha.)
Meanwhile, please enjoy this mysteriously link I put here.
Goodnight.

If you like me....

2011-05-25T19:40:00.003-04:00

then check out my brand spankin new tumblr. i just spanked it today. http://soulvessel.tumblr.com/

you may also check out the things that i like as well over here in reader https://www.google.com/reader/shared/joannalr10

They are both for your amusement, wonder, and thought.

Please stand by for actual posting.
Adjusting to life at home while on my 3rd day of my internship.

Home.

2011-05-19T14:11:00.000-04:00

It's good to be here.

eye of the storm (end of year thoughts)

2011-05-01T19:34:00.003-04:00

Oh hey you.

So I have 9 days left of my freshman year, and I feel a growing sense of dread. Dread to say goodbye to people I'll probably not see until September -- dear friends who have become a second family to me. First semester felt like forever, like nothing could ever change...second semester was so much different. Everything solidified and became more real and deep. Now the people I'm closest to will be so far away from me for three whole months.
I'm especially going to miss my boyfriend and my roommate. Caroline and I have gotten so close this year, and I'm so thankful for her...I've never had such a great girl friend. She is just so up-front and sassy, and she speaks the truth to me when it hurts. I love her so much.
And my man...I spent the afternoon with Cam (last intervis, boohoo) and we were being super wompy about the summer. I am hoping he lands this sweet job in Maryland (2 hours away) instead of living and working in Maine (9 hours). Cam's been the biggest blessing this semester...we've grown so much (especially spiritually), just in the past 3 and a half months. Not having him around is going to feel like having an arm chopped off.
I feel awkward rooming with someone I don't really know next year, since I'll be a freshman RA. I feel terrified of the spotlight of that leadership position. I'm excited but also a little intimidated by all of those girls looking up to me. I'm not afraid of tripping...just of feeling trapped.
On the other hand...my heart has really been softened to the concept of 3 months without those people. [GOD THING!] Because I've recently felt like my Jersey friends are in need of some love, and I need them. In good ways. I miss my family. I miss living with a family, being responsible for someone other than myself.
I'm doing a second interview on Thursday with a company I'm trying to get an internship with. If I do get this job, it'd be basically an unpaid 9-5 job in NYC, taking the subway all over the city and interviewing principals of public schools and designing murals and organizing campaigns and wearing power suits. I'm a fan. And I really need the experience. But it's the biggest volunteer nonprofit in New York, and I don't know how far I've made it through the process. So I'm excited and a little stir-crazy.
So what's keeping me sane in this whirlwind of sentimental stress? What I learned on the missions trip I went on over Easter in Ashland, Kentucky. Man. So much crazy stuff happened, so much that I thought would never work out. Flat tires...broken engines...but He worked it all out, even in those 6 days. It made me see that maybe...maybe...life isn't all about taking an iron to its wrinkles. Life isn't about smoothing out the mountains and valleys, or bridging the gaps in the pattern, or untangling the threads in the tapestry. It isn't.
God works everything out, and we SAY that, we SAY it. . .
But we don't know what that means until He pokes you and points to what He's doing...and there's the click. The knowing that it's going to be ok, more than ok, because it works better than that stupid plan you had, it works because it changes you.
His plan is bigger than my fear.
and that is what He's taught me lately.
I am resting in His power.

my life right now

2011-03-29T11:26:00.002-04:00

2 months

2011-03-16T14:22:00.001-04:00

I am so blessed.

you know you're Joanna and you're sick when....

2011-02-15T20:17:00.002-05:00

....you find dried ramen noodles in your clothes with no recollection of how they got there.
.....you spell your name "Janona" on several occasions.
....you can't make eye contact with anyone.
....showers are an excursion. stairs are exhausting. walking across campus is out of the question.
....coffee tastes gross.
....you call people by different names.
...your life goal is to not get anyone else sick.
....you are alone.
.....you are in pain.
....you are trying very hard to hear what God is trying to tell you in the middle of all of this.

rhythm: breathe, sit at His feet, trust, love, be weak and powerless, cling to Him, know I am helpless, know He is here.

shell-shocked!

2011-01-12T20:17:00.002-05:00

whoa guys.
eww. my blog is all rusty and dusty. let me fix that.

so...last time i talked to you...it was thanksgiving! since then, I turned 18, passed my first semester of college with only a few minor injuries, celebrated Christmas with my grandma, had Panera dates and sleepovers. Now I am sitting around, doing dishes, driving people places, reading and writing, working on an RA application, and mostly sleeping.

I've been resting up for a month, and now I'm ready to go back into the fray. I have a lot waiting for me when I get back. I can't wait to start again. I've been content at home, but it's been really hard for me not to have any work to do. And I miss all my new friends. I'll be trucking across PA on Saturday to go back home. I am counting down the days.

I hate feeling like I belong somewhere else while I'm here. I wish I could feel differently about school. But I love it. and that's the way it is.

alright kids. later

2010-11-23T15:45:00.004-05:00

I went to an Ascend the Hill concert the other night. If you don't listen to them, you should. My friend Kevin captured them with this phrase: "their music just fills everything." It's a very all-encompassing noise. It feels like you are listening to the heart of God. The concert was somewhere in South Jersey in a tiny church off of this back road. There were maybe twenty other Christian hipsters there. We just chilled and listened. It really frustrated me that I was so exhausted, because I was having trouble paying attention and listening to what I felt God was trying to say to me. I kept grasping at something and kept losing hold of it. I gave up eventually. I kept slipping in and out of sleep, just sitting there on a pew in the dark. The music was beautiful.

Last night I was watching The Young Victoria. There's this one scene the day after Victoria and her man (I forgot his name!) are married. He turns her and says, "hello, wife." I started crying. It was very weird. I'm not sure what about that touched me. I turned the movie off.

I cooked with my mother today. I learned to make a roux and failed at biscuits. I also went on a walk with my brother Elijah. He was very talkative. I've been generally enjoying the peace. I forgot how quiet my house can be sometimes, so I put on music so I don't get creeped out. It was so weird to take a bath, too. And to eat cereal.

Til later.

i'm home on break and i'm relearning the art of breathing.

2010-11-20T22:07:00.004-05:00

I reached the end of my rope on Friday. I always think I have enough metaphorical rope until one day I wake up and say OMG WHERE'S MY ROPE and that is what happened when I woke up on Friday morning. In hindsight, chugging an Amp, watching the midnight showing of HP7, staring at my ceiling wondering why I can't go to sleep, having weird dreams about my girlfriends shaving their heads and becoming monks and rolling out of bed to finish a paper the next morning was not on my list of best choices I have made. Well, deathly hallows was. Friggin sweet. But I was beyond tired. I just....had run out. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. I just couldn't function.

I kind of still can't. I went walking around my old stomping grounds today, got some Chick-fil-A and watched TV for the first time in lordy knows when. I haven't been able to string together a sentence. I am still processing this whole semester...new people, new rhythm, new system, new...newness. The connection between my brain and my heart has slowed down. When I can string together some words for you to read, I will. until then, I'm just going to keep watching Chuck and Outsourced and sleep, therapy-style.

Oh, and this is a picture of me from the musical I was in last week. You know, that obscure 60's musical I was in that consumed my life and ate my grades. I was the tattooed lady.

Til later. <3

doodle

2010-10-22T14:24:00.001-04:00

College

2010-09-20T16:52:00.004-04:00

it's funny that I've been looking forward to this for so long, and now that I'm here, I'm struggling to find where to begin.

I'm just going to blather until things start making sense in my head, so you'll just have to bear with me.

I'm sitting in my dorm (which is the top floor on the furthest building on the farthest side on campus. I walk up a lot of stairs.) at my desk, eating M&Ms and animal crackers and enjoying that I don't have too much work to do right now. My window looks out to the inner quad, and I can see all the little tete-a-tetes that go on down there...it echos, too...you hear some funny things from the quad.

Every day I wake up around 8, shower, eat breakfast for a while and mess around my room and usually study French...I'm taking French conversation [fun], western civ [a little deja vu, but eh], finite math [whatever that is..?], fitwell [which is basically exercise propoganda], sociology [fascinating] and public speaking [hysterical]. I love all of them. It's not super stressful...it's manageable. I'm really learning to live day by day...I just do all the work a day ahead and take things one step at a time. I think I'm getting better at time management

Random things about college:
-the peer pressure TO study. Usually, if you ask someone what they're up to, it will have the word study in it. And if you say LET'S PARTY AT WALMART most people here will say "aw, I have to study" and you'll probably end up going back to your room and doing some homework.
-There is also a bit of a pressure to eat healthy and to stay active, but not as much.
-Intervis. Short for intervisitation. Hours during the weekend when guys can come visit. There's all sorts of regulations and jokes and awkwardness (especially First Intervis, capital F capital I). It's just funny. Our brother hall (freshman halls get paired up and you do buddy-buddy things like go to bonfires and play giant duck duck goose. It can go incredibly right and incredibly wrong) is hardcore awesome. It's pretty neat for me, to be able to be friends with so many kind, chill guys without it being dumb or awkward or having relationshippy whatever attached. They're a real blessing.
-My hall SECOND FLOOR NORTH CHAPEL SIDE aka COSTA RICA is amazing. This weekend, we all squished into our RAs room and made cake in a mug and watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. We have 1am hallway study parties. We have the guys over and have giant worship jam sessions. All you have to do is read our Quote Wall to figure out that we are a sisterhood of awesomeness. This has also been a blessing, since I've never had a sister. Now I have, like, 40. Not to mention my roommate, Caroline, and I get along super well. we're like a married couple, except we're not married.
-I worked really hard on remembering everyone's names. Now it's a joke that I know everyone. I kind of do...it's cool.
-I remember, like, NOTHING of OB (Orientation Board) week. It was full of giant games and movie nights and dances and meeting 40000 people....I can't really actually remember it. I'm sure I had fun.
-You think weekends are fun in high school? They're like miniature MIRACLES here at gcc. People go a little crazy on Fridays...they dress up really fancy, and if you ask them what's up, all you'll hear is "TGIF."
-There's such a respect for the college here. Pretty much 98% of the students and faculty are totally thankful to be here. It's super encouraging. Sure, we all rag on the weather or chapel credits or the omelette lines. We all love it here. I'm so thankful.
-If you go here, you have to hate Geneva and make fun of Cedarville and Messiah. Don't even mention Wheaton. It's all in good fun....right?
-I live on campus. It takes about 7-8 minutes to walk across the whole thing, so it's not exactly huge. I'm either in MAP (giant women's dorm and cafeteria), HAL (Liberal arts building) or the SAC (Student union).
-Going to church is like magic. Especially when you remember that grandpas and babies and little kids and moms exist, and not just 18-22 year olds and professors. There's a baby that's one of the RD's kids, and you do a double take when you see the kid. Going to Wal-Mart is also like magic, although it's the crappiest, tiniest Wal-Mart you've ever seen. I walked off campus to get some coffee the other day, and it was just weird. Like, we're not trapped here? There's an outside world? Some friends from home took my out to dinner and I almost cried, I was so happy. Care packages have the same effect on me, HINT HINT.
-God is normal. My professors pray for me before class. Everyone is quiet at the table in the cafeteria for everyone to pray for their food. God is in class, in chapel, in the dorms, in conversation, heck, there are Bible verses taped to the doors in our bathroom stalls. It is so cool. I really like it.
-new addictions: Animal crackers, crystal light, pandora.com, banana+chocolate milk, sleeping.

Summary: life here is amazing. God has blessed me with new people, new things to learn...I can't wait. I miss home, but I love my new life. And I gotta keep being thankful and not lose sight of that "well done, good and faithful servant." I'm pumped. I'm off to dinner....where I scan a card to eat and I never do dishes. It just feels weird...I'm going to enjoy it anyway :P Love you all. Call. text. skype. snail mail. smoke signal. come visit.

So

2010-09-18T11:23:00.001-04:00

...I'm at college. More to follow shortly.

excited

2010-07-30T10:56:00.003-04:00

Not much of anything has been going on....nothing tragic, sad, beautiful, melancholy, angry or extraordinary. Just summer. Camp and vbs is over. Still sleepy. Hanging out with friends in pools and in forests was nice too. I've got 26 days until my life takes a bizarre turn for what I think will be the better, and I am transplanted from comfy Metuchen into a lovely terror of new people, places, classes, ideas, work, enemies and food. I get happy chills just thinking about it. I've been stockpiling winter clothes and notebooks and air freshener in boxes in my basement. I'm a little obsessed with the countdown. I've been waiting for this since I knew what college was. So now I have a week or so more of work, then I go legit camping with the family in Maine (here, actually) and then to the CFC conference and then I leave the morning of the 25th! Which is after most everyone else leaves, annoying. But I'm still excited. Superdedooperdedooperly excited. And that's all that's really new.

of course i'll go to sleep!

2010-07-03T23:56:00.002-04:00

i should be editing scripts.
i should be sleeping.
i should be reading my Bible.
i should be capitalizing my I's.
i should floss more.
i should be a better leader. sister. friend. daughter.

instead of being trapped by all of these "shoulds", I'm feeling dangerous...like what I do creates a ripple effect...like what I do is important...like what I do can't go unseen. that's scary.

so i should start making waves. connecting.
i should start writing again.
i should be...more. better. me. bigger. louder.
i should talk to God.

what should you be doing right now?

omg!

2010-06-26T17:57:00.001-04:00

This is really exciting. I normally don't geek out over layout and stuff. BUT THIS IS REALLY AWESOME. BEHOLD THE NEW BLOG. hopefully I'll actually write things later. Geez, i say that after every post don't i.

blahhhh

2010-06-26T16:56:00.002-04:00

it's been a while. I haven't exercised my writing muscles in a while, in journaling, letter-writing, or blogging....it makes me feel dead.
Summer's here, so is my first sunburn. I can;t trust anything to protect me. Loving friends may vigorously rub spf 50 into my back, but it won't save my vampire-pale skin from crisping nicely within the first half-hour of seeing daylight. stupid epidermis. now shirts and bras and hugs HURT. So does slouching against the back of this giant armchair.
i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to be doing with my life right now, because I'm stuck in this Twilight Zone of 13th grade without any advice on how to approach it, and a lisence and a car and not a lot of places to go. I suppose I'll have to be creative, and find friends that don't have ridiculous schedules. God and I are nowhere, and it's like I keep peeking into my life and saying "oh drat where did I put you?" Ughhhh i don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.
I'm really tired all the time. I'm super lazy, it's hot outside, and I don't have very much to do. I do house-y projects, go out with people sometimes, do church things, read, facebook, listen to music, empty the dishwasher and think about college and wish I had a nice job so I could buy a car or go to France or buy a kayak. I read the newspaper, let my puppy chew me, drive around doing odd jobs to kill time, text and watch iCarly and phineas and ferb and sonny with a chance. It's just therapy now that house and chuck and glee are done. I forgot what summer feels like. It's really nice and annoying at the same time. nice because I'm not stressed. annoying because I'm not stressed.
let me explain. I can enjoy chilling for a few days. then I'm always the first person to sit up and say OH MY LANDS I NEED SOMETHING TO DO. I like menial tasks because I like keeping my hands busy and generally feeling useful and productive. I like having someone tell me exactly what to do, finishing it and feeling accomplished. I don't like sitting around. Vacations have purpose because you know where you're going, etc.
Said laziness keeps getting in the way too, because when it's left up to me how to spend my time, I waste it...and feel like a bum.
But in a little bit, I'll get caught up in VBS stress, Harvey Cedars excitement, VBS stressing even more, then pre-college excitement. It'll be fun.
And I still really want a car and a kayak.

A Call to Change

2010-04-19T22:43:00.002-04:00

Poetry project I did a while ago: cut out random pictures and words and arrange them into poetry. It kind of...happened. I had to add a few extra words for it to make sense.

If you ever have free time, after May with a capital evil M (homeschoolers are most aware of this evil season. May. ugh.) you should try this. I lend a lot of my magazines out, but they all have holes in them, which annoys people. Don't try this if you like perfect magazines or happy friends.

art that i like

2010-04-18T23:10:00.002-04:00

It's been an interesting couple of weeks.

Oh wait -- they haven't, because not a lot is happening.

I went to an art museum at Princeton today with my honors Myth class. it was suuuperb. on the van ride up there, I ended up getting entangled in the typical discussions I seem to be having with MCCers: "oh, you're homeschooled?" "oh, you're a Christian?" They're actually interested in the answers, though. And they're cool, too. Neat array of people in this class.
I was supposed to go look for Mythological stuff, but I ended up camping in front of a Bierstadt. For those of you who don't know, he's one of my favorite artists. Back when nobody knew what Colorado and Nevada and Wyoming and stuff looked like, they sent artists over there to paint landscape pictures. The giant paintings (they take up whole walls) would be put in a special exhibition, and people would pay money to file by and take a look and the strange and mysterious land they were supposedly a part of. It's pretty much the only [albeit embellished] capturing of the untouched west before we came and ruined it. still bitter.
While we're on the subject of art, here's my favorite painting. It's on display at the National Gallery, and I usually just go there and sit and stare into her face whenever we go. There's so much about her that I feel we share. I dunoo if that's freeky deeky to any of you. I just feel like she's sad but victorious at the same time. And then again, I'm not sure.
I'm kinda of doped up on allergy stuff to help me get to sleep a little better. I'm about to fall over. I will talk more soon!

my doggie!

2010-03-13T13:34:00.000-05:00

be jealous.

what i listen to

2010-03-03T15:33:00.004-05:00

I love finding new bands through people. I'm assuming some of you might, too.

AMBIENT WORSHIP
The Glorious Unseen
The Ember Days
some Hillsong
Leeland (when they don't get on my nerves)

FOLKSY GUITAR
Peter Bradley Adams
500 Days of Summer soundtrack

QUIRKY FOLKISH
Iron & Wine
Sufjan Stevens
She & Him

CCM INDIE
Sleeping at Last
Jon Foreman

DANCING MUSIC
ABBA
Yelle
Owl City
"Seventeen Forever" --Metro Station
"Sleepyhead" --Passion Pit

WRITING AN ESSAY MUSIC
Glee season 1 soundtrack
The Beatles
"Boys Wanna Be Her" --Peaches
Prince of Egypt soundtrack
Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack
"Pork and Beans" --Weezer

DRIVING MUSIC
A Fine Frenzy
Jars of Clay (especially new stuff)
Z100 (no shame)
Sound of Music soundtrack

What are you listening to?

a little sumtin' sumtin'

2010-02-28T19:33:00.003-05:00

hi everybody! my brain is dead and i'll talk later. i had to write an OpEd piece for Quo Vadis and thought I'd post it to hold you over until i post something amesomeful.

by the way, I'm listening to the glee version of "gold digger." this song brings joy to my heart. you should listen to it.

I'm tired of hearing from my friends about how guys are to blame for bad romantic relationships. As much as I'd like to say that it's all guys' fault, I admit that we girls can seriously mess things up, too. We do a few things to the poor guys in our lives that can hurt, confuse, or just plain frustrate them.
First off: we overanalyze! We pick apart a three-word text like it holds the secrets of the entire Guy Universe, when guys usually mean things at face value. "How are you" probably means that he wants to know how you're doing. There's no need to read into it too much.
Also, it's really not nice to a guy to subtly hint at something and expect him to pick up on it. It makes guys feel frustrated when they are trying to be kind to you and they have no idea what you want from them. I think it's best to be direct about your wishes so that a guy will understand what your expectations are.
Our expectations can be dangerous to our relationships if we're not careful. We can have an extreme standard of male perfection in our mind and measure each guy in our lives by it, rejecting each one that doesn't meet our requirements. Or we can go to the opposite end of the spectrum by chasing the "bad boys" or very needy or depressed guys. Let's try to remember that there are all sorts of "normal" guys in the world that can offer us love, security and adventure, too.
Even if we are honest, direct and approaching love in a realistic way, we can still mess up relationships very badly by making that special guy the center of your life, seeking his attention for your happiness and getting all of your self-worth from his compliments. What a scary and suffocating responsibility to give to a guy!
I'd encourage you to take a step back and look at whatever relationship you're in, or look at your life as a single person. Do you like yourself? If you're not confident and at peace with yourself when you're alone, that probably won't change when you get into a relationship -- in fact, the only thing that will change is that all the pressure of making sure you feel good about yourself falls on the guy's shoulders. That's not something you'd ever wish upon someone you love.
So let's be clear about our wishes and expectations in relationships, and be willing to raise or lower those when we need to. Let's not suffocate guys by making them the center of our lives.
And girls -- let's like ourselves. Let's not give up on love because of our life situations or past experiences. When we are confident, we are unburdened. We free ourselves to be able to love and be loved fearlessly.
What do you think about the Battle of the Sexes? Who's to blame? We at ~~Quo Vadis~~ DTDTU are interested in knowing. ~~Email us at quovadis_newspaper@hotmail.com~~ Comment!

(NB: I naturally would've had a "to the guys" section but i ran out of room. If I could say it in a sentence, I'd encourage guys to take the initiative in relationships, to make girls feel safe and appreciated, and respect her boundaries.)

kid memories

2010-02-13T00:00:00.002-05:00

Remember when you were a kid? And you were stupid? And you feared random things?

I used to be terrified of Peter Pan, who i was pretty sure was living in our bathtub, only at night. When I had to pee at 3 o clock in the morning, I'd very carefully look behind the curtain to make sure he wouldn't jump out and laugh at me as I peed. I even formulated an elaborate escape plan through my window should that happen.

I was terrified of Sully from Monster's Inc. I was so terrified that I slept in Nathan's room on a trundle bed for years. I was actually generally creeped out when it was dark and I was alone. I was pretty sure he lived in my closet.

Remember when you were a kid? And you made up alternate realities?

My friend made up this whole game about this world called Candyland that she had been too, and that Nathan and I could come with her. She said she'd meet me in the backyard at 2 in the morning and she'd take me there. I stayed up until 3 staring out the window, waiting for her to flash her flashlight in the backyard, then got mad at her the next day.

What random crap did you think up when you were a kid?

remember

2010-02-08T19:24:00.002-05:00

20 desires

2010-02-02T22:11:00.003-05:00

1. I want to be part of a community of Christians, not part of a church. Huge difference. I wonder if it can be made to happen? Or does it not happen when there's only a handful of people who agree with you?
2. I would love to be married...I don't know if I'd want to be married like really young. I know as you go along it gets harder to have kids. Which I have to consider because
3. I want to have kids.
4. I want to live in lots of different places: by the Delaware river, in NYC, in Florida (?), in Austin TX, Seattle, and in places like South Africa and Israel.
5. I want to visit France, hopefully on a missions trip. And Haiti too. I'm actually saving up money to maybe go to Haiti. God said to go make disciples, not to maybe think about it and deliberate and put it on the back burner.
6. I want to run a shop...like a coffee shop that has open mic poetry and indie bands, and shelves of books, and soon-to-be famous writers crash on the couches in the back to type. If i realize I don't know the first thing about coffee, then it would just be a bookstore with the above. Or maybe a teahouse.
7. I want to have an awesome college experience...I want to make and lose friends, win and fail, laugh and cry. Etc.
8. i want to write a book. really bad.
9. I want to go on a pilgrimage, just to hear what God might have to say to me on one. maybe kayaking or hiking or biking somewhere.
10. I forgot to say I want a kayak...
11. i would like to be able to grow out my hair really long again. The last time it was long, I was 13 and didn't know how to take care of it, not to mention i was kind of a feminist back then. Now I think i might be able to tend and apreciate long hair.
12. I've always been interested in youth ministry. I'd love to help out with whatever churches I end up at.
13. I forgot to say I really want to visit ireland. That would be a kickashtray place to do a pilgrimage, too.
14. I really want to go to a Ren fair. in costume.
15. I want a Jeep, really badly. And I'd put obscure bands' stickers and spunky anti-Liberal quips and cheesy Jesus fish all over the back of it. I saw a neon green one for sale once and I was sad when Mama said no.
16. I'd love to be strong, physically.
17. I'd love to put out a literary magazines for and by high school students. So much emotion and poetry and prose flow through adolescence... how cool would it be if I could bottle it up and share it with their peers? It could be used in classrooms. Etc.
18. I'd like to find a pair of pants that fit me, for once. I'm interestingly proportioned.
19. I'd like to be a part of a theater troupe or major play. Just to be on a stage for a while, part of a crazy family, you know?
20. I'd like to master Rachmaninov's Etudes-Tableaux No 14 Op 39. i've been working on it since fall 2008. i almost got it, put it aside, came back, put it aside, forgot about it...I've never been able to get it to the point of being finished. I really want to be able to play it.

What do you wish for?

diptych love

2010-01-29T16:10:00.008-05:00

My very first roll of film ever. 300 asa 24exp kodak gold film.
You might be aware of my fascination of the sun shining through tree skeletons. I'm a little obsessed.

although you can't see it, there are birds flying right in the center of the picture.

bounty vs. scarcity, earth vs. sky. I like this one...

Noombers!

2010-01-29T10:15:00.002-05:00

I am really enjoying my life now. I shall numerize.
1. Life is tasty. As in I'm choosing to bite into it.
2. I am part of my school newspaper. This is a 3-pronged deal. I have an official job, which is to edit everything in the paper (YAY). I am part of the internship-ish, workshop-ish class that the job goes with, and I'm in an editing class, where I get to edit more things. The kids (or adults? I'm the youngest of all of 'em) on Quo Vadis, the paper, are really fun to be around. MCC has always been sort of an isolated place for me, the poor lil' high schooler who is randomly in your college class. Now I am one of them. And it's nice. Not to mention our secret office with couches and computers and a special key code to enter.
3. I am not as depressed as I was last week. I get depressed when I'm not busy. Winter break was fun when I was busy, and not so much when I was not. When I have nothing to do, I have plenty of time to drag out the minuscule things in my corridors of my life that I'm really not happy about, i.e. social life (because that's why God made me, to go to people's parties, right? NOT.) or other equally ridiculous things. It feels good to call them ridiculous now because a week ago I took them very seriously and I was very sad.
4. I'm about to go to Costco and get my first roll of film put on CD. Expect pictures posted this afternoon!

Seventeen

2010-01-20T23:34:00.002-05:00

I actually wrote this the night I turned seventeen. I had thought I lost it. Poetry always finds its way back to you.

I am seventeen
and ripe for the plucking.
In the darkest, driest season
I am blossoming
In the winter, when the harvest is over,
I am alive with love.
When the rabbits flee to their holes
and the world curls up to sleep
I am awake and laughing.
I can fly farther than the starling
as it hurries to warmth
I can run faster than the deer
in the secret of the night.
I can tell you all you wish to know
for I am the wisest of creatures.
I am seventeen
clinging to this frozen branch, my home.
You may say I am the last of the summer
but I am the first sign of spring.

some update-age

2010-01-20T14:41:00.003-05:00

Hello everybody...what up? Hope you are wearing nice thick socks and are comfy sitting at your computer chair.

Now for news.
I GOTS ME A CAMERA. I've always been interested in lo-fi photography (lo-fi: vintagey, dreamy looking antique pictures) but the cameras out there have been mucho expensive...not to mention film and processing and all that stuff. But I found a good'un: the Superheadz Golden Half. It's a Japanese toy camera, which means it's weensy. It takes half pictures, so that on a 36exp roll, you get 72 pictures. Win. So I caved and bought it. This is how cute it is.

I am excessively excited about it, and as soon as I am done talking to this box, i'm running outside to take some pictures. Which I will put on the blog asap.

It just shows how modern and jaded I am to take a picture, then look at the back panel of the camera to see what the picture looked like.

Anyways, I'm psyched about that, and the newspaper getting up and running, and classes starting again, and finishing my last 4&1/2 months of high school with a bang. or at least a slightly loud noise of some sort that will be noticed by one or several neighbors.

BYE

Oh, and...

2010-01-03T22:35:00.000-05:00

2010 better be awesomer than 2009...
...which wasn't so hot for Jo.

ffffphoooooooh

2010-01-03T22:23:00.002-05:00

Thar be the sound of me blowing off my dusty musty blog.

*creeaaaak*

That was the sound of me opening the cover of my imaginary blog.

*scribble scribble*

I'M TIRED. Wanna know why? Because I'm old and lazy and haven't worked out since I was on a swim team in 9th grade. My new year's resolution: work out more.

NOT BECAUSE I THINK I'M FAT. Sheeminy. Because I like being able to walk up the stairs without getting red in the face.

Stop laughing.

Not that going jogging helped. I use jogging in the loosest way possible. It was more of a bouncy walk. I bouncy-walked to my friend's house IN THIS WEATHER MIND YOU with tears of freezing running down my face, in my ghetto, I-grew-out-of-all-my-sweatpants, 80's workout getup. Yes ma'am, in public.

By the time I got across town, I was both humiliated and completely dead.

But my friend Caitlin and I went jogging anyway. in the cold. mostly uphill.

I get a call in the afternoon, when the feeling has mostly returned to my body, when I have already vowed to

1. spend the rest of the day not walking
and
2. never go jogging in the morning in january ever again.

I answer the phone and who is it but my dear friend Melissa, who asks me to cover her sister's shift at Chick-fil-A.

I'm noble and wonderful and I like money, so I say yes.

Hang up.

Regret it.

Regret it even more seven hours later as I whimper-limp out into the mall parking lot.

Sooooo.....anybody know any good leg stretches?

untitled

2009-12-07T19:37:00.001-05:00

breath clouds
sadness clinging
frost shrouds
moonlight bringing
sky bare
sparrow winging
sharp air
winter singing

Womanhood dump #2: Femininity

2009-12-02T15:29:00.006-05:00

I also have a lot to say.

Main Entry: wom·an
Pronunciation: \ˈwu̇-mən, especially Southern ˈwō- or ˈwə-\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural wom·en \ˈwi-mən\
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English wīfman, from wīf woman, wife + man human being, man
Date: before 12th century

1 a : an adult female person b : a woman belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) —usually used in combination
2 : womankind
3 : distinctively feminine nature : womanliness

Being womanly, pursuing this...THING, this WOMANLINESS that supposedly we must possess, can be as elusive a mission as finding a candy wrapper under my bed.
it just isn't that simple.
There's a lot of crap that's collected around the real thing, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of confusion, the media squirting collagen and implants and diets into the vision we have of Woman. We are going to have to dust off a lot of what the world has stuck on to this Woman thing and see what it really is.

BEAUTY
Being womanly, by the world's standards, is mostly about being good-looking.
Stealing some bad reasoning from 10th grade logic:

If all real women are perfect [LIE]
and I am not perfect
I am not a real woman

When your personal beliefs about who you are stem from a lie that Satan has put in the world, it hurts! The way you see yourself will be twisted, because you're looking into Satan's funhouse mirror. (He has a lot.) The fact of the matter is,

The King is enthralled by your beauty. --psalm 45:11

I think we tend to underestimate God sometimes. It's also hard to listen to His strong truth when the noise of a million billboards and commercials and magazines and even people we know can be so loud. But when you hold them up against each other, God's truth will always ring true.
Confession time. I used to hate myself. I did not like my body, I did not like my hair, how I acted...it went on and on. It was that still, small voice that finally got through my [rather thick] head that I was not ugly, worthless, fat, or stupid.
And once I bothered to believe that, I was joyful.
I still have [major] issues about liking my personality. That is between me and God.

Conclusion. Let's face it. We are not perfect. I am [definitely] not perfect, and I'm sorry, but neither are you. Let's delight in a God that loves us FREAKIN' ANYWAY!
And let's celebrate these shells we have for a few years. They are special creations that we're only going to live in for a few more years.

OUR HEARTS
We have special ones.
What do I mean? I mean that we were created to fill a void.

Adam steps forth, the image of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo’s David. He is… magnificent. Truly the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something in missing… and that something is Eve… And she, too, bears the image of God but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about Himself, so he gave us Eve… Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good. …Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance. --captivating

We are what was missing on the other side of the spectrum. What exactly is that? Gentleness. Delicacy. Strength. The kinds that complement a man's.

A few years ago, this is where I would've stopped reading.
Joanna's inner thoughts, circa 2007: "Complement? Really? You mean I'm not good enough on my own?" *bristle bristle *
Complement does not mean you're only worth something with a man. It means you were designed with pieces missing, so that in marriage you can work as a cohesive unit. Like two Pokemon Bakugan pairing up to form a deadlier, cooler robot. [So cool.]

It also means you were born to represent God's feminine side. Man represents God's leadership, strength, and powerful love. Women represent other stuff.
"That other stuff" is where we tend to get confused. Mostly because this happened:

...and we lost sight of this:

I don't know about you, but the Proverbs 31 woman is nothing to sniff at.

More to follow.

Selfish and curious.

2009-12-02T15:26:00.003-05:00

i have no way of seeing how many people read this blog. I'm really curious about how many of you are out there, so if you could just like post your name or something, that'd be SWEET.

i also wanna gauge my audience just to make sure i'm not BC'ing about stuff nooooone cares zilch about.

Womanhood dump #1: Modesty

2009-12-01T15:17:00.004-05:00

I have a lot to say.

MODESTY
is a scary word. Sometimes I immediately freeze up when I hear it, images of jean jumpers flashing in my mind.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH JEAN JUMPERS. The issue is WHY you're choosing to dress that way. We'll get into that later.
My thoughts on this issue stemmed from a conversation I had with a good friend. We were getting changed for a play, and she was discussing how much trouble she was having with her shirt. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Well, it's so low. It keeps slipping down."
She leaned over to demonstrate. I thought it was fine, and said so.
"Oh, no," she said, eyes widening, "if you look down standing up and see the crack, it's immodest."

My point with this little anecdote is NOT to demean personal modesty rules. I think they're great, and if you have some that you believe are right for you, stick to 'em. But that's just it -- they're personal. And that's why there's so much controversy over the modesty issue. What's modest? Immodest? Where's the line between them? It's different for every girl -- and there are rarely universal rules. If I had a bigger chest, I'd have to be extra careful about what kind of shirts I choose to wear. If I have a really long torso, maybe I'd buy extra-long tees. That sort of thing. And whether or not you see a crack does not automatically make it immodest. And wearing a jean jumper does not make you modest. I hope you get that.

Back to the "rules." I'll quote God here. Jesus came to earth. Turns out the people who annoyed him the most were Pharisees: leaders who cared more about looking holy and following rules than loving God. In Matthew, Jesus spends almost a whole chapter yelling at them.

23"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. 24You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

25"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 26Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

27"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. 28In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

Ouch. I can already say that some of what I try to do just turns me into a whitewashed tomb: trying to change stuff on the outside to make myself better on the inside. Jesus says it's the other way around.
So, cracks aside, our modesty will stem from changing our insides, by chasing after God and listening to Him. Paul urges believers to WEAR Jesus!

Romans 13:14 Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Your (and my) question: "Okay, if my modesty's stemming from my insides, what is the right kind of modesty that's supposed to stem??"

Well, welcome to SubjectiveLand. This is where you and I end up, looking for advice, if we're trying oh-so-hard not to be gratifying our sinful nature.
This is a vague and confusing land to be in. But this is where you can start connecting your heart, glorifying God, and your outward appearance to each other.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
That means looking at yourself in the mirror and asking, is this Christian of me today?
It means asking your brother how you look before going somewhere! (Or scarier, your dad!)
It means knowing that you're not going to distract people from your inner loveliness and outward beauty by wearing clothes that take away from those two special things.

A very wise man named Chad Eastham that I had heard at a girly conference once asked us all in the audience a question.
"Are you a treasure or a target?"
Not, "are you dressing slutty or not?" Modesty is so much more than clothes! He asked us if, by the way we dressed, talked, and behaved, we were modest.
Were we being kind to our friends, including guy friends? Were we building them up?
Were we flirty?
Were we acting needy? Were we dependent on guy's approval?
Were we dressing in a way that said, "I'm an easy target?"

God says we're treasures. God loves us so ridiculously much that He died for us. And He chose us especially to live with Him forever. And He wants us to shine that through all the things we do! Our bodies are temples, because the Holy Spirit is inside us.
The conclusion I reached is, I want to dress respectfully because of that.

OTHER SIDE OF THE MODESTY DISCUSSION
"Men are disgusting!"
"They're animals!"
"You know they only want one thing when they look at a woman..."

Hearing this stuff breaks my heart. It hurts that women live in fear of men because of the sexual nature God gave them. (Side note: we have it too. And just because they manifest themselves differently does not make women holy, or men disgusting. Sheesh.)
Modesty can be used as a form of worship -- clothing yourself like a temple housing something precious, God's spirit within you. But it can also be a tool of fear -- being modest because you are scared of men and how they might look at you.

As Christian women, our reason for modesty shouldn't be out of fear. We should want to be modest because we love our brothers, in the same way that we are modest because we love God, and we respect our parents' wishes about how to dress because we love them!
It's mean to be hot, most of the time. Chances are, if your guy friends are trying to follow God, they are already having enough issues as it is. Satan teamed up with the twenty-first century, and he does not make it easy for them. Once upon a time, they had to worry about maybe seeing a girl's ankle. Nowadays, they have to carry around spiritual machine guns and grenades to battle all the stuff that comes at them 24/7. (Guys out there: keep it up, we're rooting for you.)
So be kind. Cover yourself accordingly. They'll probably appreciate it.

YET ANOTHER SIDE OF MODESTY

So you're modest. Or are you?
Modesty is special, powerful, and born out of something inside of you.
That thing could be fear. It could be love. It's better when it's love, by the way. I think I already said that.

What else is in there, nestling inside you? Are you tomboyish, and you don't want to be "cute?" Or are you self-deprecating (you hate yourself), and you think you're "fat" so you wear baggy, big clothes to hide in. Or you wear jean jumpers so that you will appear righteous and holy? The list goes on.

Since there's a lot of reasons, I'm not going to talk about those. I urge you to look at your insides, and see where your modesty, or lack thereof, is stemming from. After all:

The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.

Anyway, I've been careful not to state too many things as gospel truth. There is always, my friends, a chance that I am completely out of line. Please agree and disagree accordingly.

Next up: Femininity.

what a grey day

2009-11-25T16:11:00.002-05:00

I never know how to spell grey. Grey or gray? whatever.

I feel so clumsy and big and awkward and goofy. i have no idea WHY. as usual. give me some emotions but please don't bother labeling them or explaining them.
that would be to easy.

i had a giant starbucks, but it hasn't woken me up. it just made me have to pee a lot.

i sat on a baby last night. for like 7 hours. I hope he recovers.

i'll get back to you when i start making sense.

yeah...the school rant.

2009-11-25T15:54:00.003-05:00

I really don't like precalculus. I've never been so miserable as today when i got back the test i swore I aced. an 84 honestly isn't bad. it's just annoying to study for 5 hours and get an 84 because of a negative sign and putting a "one" instead of "three" in my answer booklet. really.
it's not like i need the grade to be a comm major...pff. it just annoys.

and the final's on trig. moooore studying.

but did you know that like my lassst semester of high school is gonna be killer. i'm so happy. and maybe i can do everything i want to because
A) i will have my license
B) i will have NO science courses and NO math courses
C) I might find my heart again over winter break.

I'm kind of just on autopilot to survive. I just want to be more than ok. But i feel like I need to be done with math and science first.

i dunno. math and science may come easy to other people. for me it's such a stretch, it's always a challenge to understand the most basic stuff. the smart-___ [indian] [prepster] guy that sits behind me in precalc laughed out loud at me this morning when i had to ask the professor to explain something for the third time. it bothered me, because i know half the other people in the class didn't get it either, so who is he to be whatever.
i dunno. there's a guy in physics like that too. i say to him in my imagination, well if you're so smart-___ then go to freakin' rutgers and leave the remedials alone, you dork!
not speaking of the word ___, (trying to be tasteful...) my lab partner from last week is amusing in the way that he adds -___ to the end of all his adjectives.
so i was talking to him, told him something. he responds with, "yo, that's mad interesting-___." I kinda look at him and repeat, "interesting-___?" Then we're both able to laugh at his ridiculous habit.

i like physics, because it makes sense. precalc is more annoying. what is the point of sines and cosines?
the answer: they're ratios.
question: but like how would you use them in real life? like logarithms help you do interest problems?
answer: uhhh....i dunno.
question: but you're in your sophmore year and in calc II....shouldn't you know what you've been doing the past 3 years?
answer: .....

that is why i do not like higher math.
except i would have lots of fun studying stuff like math theory and infinity and imaginary numbers and black holes.
but they don't teach you that until you learn the numbers e and i. e and i are numbers? really?

we spent two hours this morning talking about wavy lines. why?
good question. a good question that no one will answer for me.

i swear it's a conspiracy.

DtDtU's mission statement

2009-11-20T23:11:00.002-05:00

DtDtU will aspire:
1. To be God's megaphone.
2. To give warm fuzzies.
3. To enlighten or remind readers of a world bigger than themselves.
4. To strip blogging of pretense and consciousness of writing.
5. To amuse.
6. To bacon.

I.O.U. One Brilliant Thought

2009-11-20T23:03:00.004-05:00

I need to say something
I don't even know what it is!
And the more I stare at the paper
the more ways my brain invents
to be squeezed through a pen
like i was a giant sponge
waiting to rain.
i could tell you thing thing,
it's brilliant (or at least, I'll try to make it seem, with fancy verses and quotes from musty books I haven't actually read)
and it's important (or at least, I could pretend, by writing it in a poem or facebook status) and it's special (or I hope you'd think it was, and I'd try really hard to make it seem it).
But I don't think I will.
I'll keep it to myself. I won't call it art or inspiration or revelation.
I won't call it anything.
I'll hold it tight to my chest and let it hum to me all day.
Sorry. I owe you for this one.

revamped, remodeled and remusic'd!

2009-11-20T14:06:00.001-05:00

enjoy enjoy. more words and things that are supposed to be on blogs coming soon.

i'm kind of tired, but it hasn't really hit me yet

2009-11-06T23:38:00.003-05:00

sitting here in my chik-fil-a uniform...wanting to take my socks off, but being merciful to those in the general vicinity. work goes by fast with the awesome people I work with. there's mary and melmo and the two andrews. we throw stuff at each other and make faces. i also sing to our last customer when i feel like it. there was this chick who recorded me singing this epic broadway song to her about her chicken nuggets. it's probably on youtube. no shame.
anyway.

finally understanding physics. i actually like physics. a lot. because it matters. and i'm good at it.

i'm so lazy, i don't even capitalize. cause the key is so far away from where i'm at with my 2-4 finger typing. and to capitalize, i'd have to lift my wrist.

i got a spot on the paper next semester. i'm head copy editor. happy happy. copy editing might seem a bad idea for not-capitalizing woman, but i love editing. i just don't edit my blogs cause none of you care cause you're awesome that way.
i did just go back and change youre to you're, though.
so yeah, editor. it's a big deal. now i just have to actually register for the internship.

God and i are talking, but not as much as i'd like. always my fault. it's kind of a good sign that i did bother to capitalize him, though. habit.

i got kind of a story idea from looking at a leaf today. i thought, if this was the sail to a tiny boat, that would be awesome. (yeah...my mind jumps weird places. if your mind goes from A to B, mine goes from A to leaf to boats.) so i'll probably think about writing, and then not write.

to get from my door to my bed, i have to toss aside stuff. it's like a sea of crap. papers that are crumpled and important and lost....clothes that i wore for an hour and then changed out of because i'm stupid like that....broken ipod headphones....stuffed animals....small children....

my family went to ihop without me tonight. let me tell you why this is annoying. first of all, it's ihop. second, i've been bugging my mom about going to ihop for forever. i've only been ONCE (yeah, that's right, capitalization) and that was a loooooong time ago. since then my mom's avoided it. but all of a sudden, now that my grandma's visiting, they decide to go ihop exactly at the time that i work. orchestrated? doubt it. cruel? yeah. it hurts real bad.

i'm going to take my precious bundle of pancake pain and cry myself to sleep.

my cheeks are really warm. now don't ya wanna ask which ones.

2009-10-03T13:25:00.002-04:00

I really want a thumb piano. Like, really bad.
i found a hippie flute from Peru in a cabinet yesterday. needless to say I have been annoying my family a.m.a.p. ( as much as possible.)

in other news, I'm scared about my first Precalc exam. Which is on monday.Yay.

i'm also tired. and i have to go to work. for like 7 hours. minimum wage baby!!

falafel.

frumple!

2009-10-01T20:08:00.002-04:00

so i was sad because i wasn't happy. then i was not happy but i wasn't sad. now i'm happy for no reason. maybe it's because i'm not sad. maybe it's because i stopped caring whether or not i was happy or not. or because i decided to be happy instead of thinking about being happy or trying to make myself happy. because when i try to do that...i get sad. so i'm happy.

Me! Babbling! Again!

2009-09-28T22:34:00.003-04:00

she rises to find a tool
to etch herself into paper,
to pull herself out of thought
and into existence.
she reaches to find a place
to put herself into being,
to find a book to hide her words in,
and begins.

the swish-swish of long skirts
with exotic prints and colors, eyes
painted dark, cradling novels like
children, cradling children like
dreams, and dreams are dreams.
A future like infinite particles,
and reaching out, touching --
and the possibility overwhelms.

Being a person is so strange. I feel
as if I was meant to be a tree,
and there was a mix-up in Heaven.

I like talking to God in my own room.
Or by myself.
It is strange to have people talk God to me,
to put me in a chair
and to put God into a time zone.

Mirrors aren't measuring sticks
mirrors aren't to see ourselves

Remembering hammock days
ice tea days dock days the days
that we pretend we are most happy.

I wish I had a word to fit
everything into -- to squish
happymelodylighteyelidsmeadowsbelieve
and scream it in ice cream parlors
and pizza joints and into the ears
of girls who think they are fat
and make people look up again.

In Heaven,
Jeremiah and I will have a lot to talk about.

Untitled

2009-09-28T21:49:00.004-04:00

I cannot remember the first time
I skipped a meal on purpose. Skipped is
the wrong word -- like I wasn't
screaming inside for the food on my
plate, like I wasn't imploding, like
I wasn't ready to eat the stupid
burger already, shove it down my mouth
and smile to say "just kidding." I
watched the mirrors in my house that
year, always watching, looking at my
thighs and my love handles. I remember
my goal was to be able to stand, look
down at my toes and see my whole
feet, not eclipsed by the tiny roundness of
my pale stomach. The doctors told
me 125 pounds was healthy, my
friends told me that I looked fine, but
all I heard was fat fat
fat fat fat fat fat fat, the
sick tattoo of an internal drum.
"All I want is to be skinny and
beautiful" I kept saying, like if I
became skinny, true beauty would follow.
"All I want is to be beautiful" I said,
which really meant I want
to be liked, which really meant
I want to like myself.
I was 15 and tall and gawky and just
wanted crushes to crush back, wanted
to be stunning and amazing and
womanly. My cup size
and my shoe size told me I couldn't.
My daddy said i could and so did
the Bible on my shelf. But the creaking
in my stomach made me burn, made me
feel better, made me smaller, made me
better, I was pretty, I was pretty --
and one day, God said, "no more." Just --
stop. And I did. It was hard. It hurt.
They never tell you that it hurts to
start eating after not really eating.
It feels strange, and then you have to
not throw it back up. But then you can live again.
I am not 125 pounds anymore. I am more.
But I am beautiful. And it has been a long time
since I did not eat, on purpose.

Glass Girl

2009-09-28T21:43:00.002-04:00

the careful way she smiles
with her glass teeth and
porcelain face fragile and
breakable scared to walk to
breathe to speak she would
shatter if she moved
glass blown eyes forged in
fear glazed with insecurity
chips in her china hands
she has made herself a
doll body she hates she hates
she hates this herself her
but it is too late if
she opens her mouth to
speak her lips will break
and fall away

so i was skimming this book

2009-09-14T13:47:00.003-04:00

called be the change. it's by this 14-year-old kid with a serious desire for the abolition of slavery. and he sounds like me a couple months ago.

anybody that's ever written a research paper knows that you get completely consumed with your subject. i spent a month and a half chin-deep in newspapers, websites, books and blogs talking about slaves. i wouldn't recommend it.

researching the gross subject of slavery was particularly horrible for me because i got passionate about it, but i had nowhere to take that passion. i had no job, so i couldn't donate to organizations. it was too late to register for a mission trip. there wasn't really any club or chapter i could jump on board with. etc. i was impassioned and immobilized.

but my passion died like *insert snap here*. i hadn't really, really, truly, cared all that much. it was like being sorry for mars or something, i was sorry and angry at something far far away that, if we're honest with ourselves, we can't really do anything about because it's so far far away. sure, if i lived in asia or africa, abolition would probably consume me.

but i don't really care about foreign missions, personally. i like that God decides for other people to go bonkers about ukraine and preach from the curb and make friends with strangers and smuggle bibles and cool stuff like that, people that actually have an idea of what the vague christianese word "evangelize" means.

see, me, i care about church people here in america. i guess a lot of other people would think church people are "safe" as in "saved," because you can't lose their faith, so okay, as long as you pray the prayer and show up on sunday you're okay, right? let's go out and get more magical prayers prayed so we can have more people next sunday.

i do not belong to this mindset.
no, not all home missionaries think like that, of course. but the saved people need saving too. the saved people who don't understand the stuff they think they believe, or even worse, the ones who think they have it all figured out. that's who i hurt inside for.

if you're passionate about the dying people across the pond, i think that's amazing and i want to encourage you. [and if you have an extra plane ticket...] i still do my part, i'm a strong supporter of fair trade, yada yada, but it's great to see people actually make a difference over there. i'll stick around here in america, cause there's lots of people here that need help too.

jules verne sounds way less far-fetched in the original french

2009-09-07T21:14:00.002-04:00

he does.

Journaling like a madwoman and enjoying it. Wishing I had money for music. Myspace and pandora for now.

school tomorrow. so strange. i forgot everything. like, how i OCDishly organize my folders. i forgot my system. i forgot where the pencils are, because i hate pencils.so it ended up not mattering.

i figured a lot about myself at revgen. namely, that i don't actually want to go on a mission trip right now, that i overthink everything, that i'm bad, and that i'm poor. haha.

gooooooodnight

what's up

2009-08-24T22:45:00.003-04:00

no, not you. i meant me.
sorry! i suck at titles. seriously, my first novel (12 pages....hey, i was 9) was called the Secret of Mary Smith. Seriously. Mary Smith.

Anyway. I went to Florida, which was humid and educational. Humid because it is a freakish land down there where people don't walk through the air, they have to swim.
Educational because I met 400 people with more experience than me with life. So, answer to prayer. I was visiting my Mimi and Ted in Vero. They run a refuge for emotionally damaged women, and I hung out with the staff a lot of the time, or people that have graduated the program. We ate out a lot, shopped, went to a C.S. Lewis convention, kayaked, swam, and visited a bajillion people.
So now I'm still recovering from a whole week of people actively listening to me, and actually caring, understanding, and liking what I say, being amused by my company, and teaching me a lot about marriage and friends and *cough* driving.

Then I went to Camp Delaware with some other homeschool families, which sounds like a camp but it really isn't, it's a giant house on top of a hill and you can see the Delaware river roll by as you sip hazelnut coffee on a porch swing reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles.
So we canoed (which I learned the hard way should never be done with two teenage boys high on soda), tubed in FREEZING FREEZING FREEZING water, hiked a miserable hike up a mountain, which was rewarding at the top, as all good mountain hikes are, and drove around a lot in golf carts. I firmly believe that if everyone rode around in golf carts and not SUVs, we'd all be happier. Golf carts are awesome.

I've been trying to process all this, but gave up. Something I committed to is reading the Bible through a year. I'm already on day 9. It's something much more solemn than "oh I wanna read the Bible." I'm treating it much more seriously than a whim.
The cool thing about this Bible (the 24/7 Bible) is that it's chronological, so as I read Genesis, I'm reading bits of Chronicles too. And it's separated into days so that I always know what to read. I'm liking it so far, except I still don't get why God tested Abraham about Isaac if he already knew he was a good guy. Maybe that shows the extent of how free will reaches down into our faith? And God tests that?
Also, it's weird to think about people marrying a) their half-sister b) their mistress c) random girls at wells and d)all of the above. It's gross. It's a good system to propagate growth of a race. Sucky way to run a household.
Also, Abimilech is a loser. So was Lot. And so was Laban.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you've seriously missed out on Human Race 101. 9 days and I'm already learning so much about our murderous, jealous, strange, uncomfortable, and sexy history. All found in the cute little Bible you have sitting by your bed with the cute verses in the Beatitudes all underlined. You only have a chunk of the story.
Two girls in my church did not know the book of Song of Solomon existed. THAT my friends was a hilarious 10 minutes. "This stuff made its way into the Bible??!" You know Jewish men in certain Jewish denominations aren't allowed to read that book until they're 35. Interesting book. You'll never look at a gazelle the same way again.

Gotta sleep. Definitely gotta sleep if the post has made its way to Biblical boob metaphors.

On Being a Woman

2009-08-24T22:33:00.001-04:00

There comes a time in girlhood when it is no longer girlhood. This is usually called the end. Then womanhood falls thickly upon girlhood like a warm blanket, and everything changes. This is the simple way to say it -- "changes" -- but it is really more complicated than a word could say. It is the time when the small wishes in your girlish heart become more vivid and real, when a prince transforms from something you playact with your friends about into something you will cry yourself sore deep into the night about. I could try to explain it to the non-women -- try to explain the pang of beauty that will strike us in a simple song, enough to make it haunt us for months -- try to explain the glint of a jar or jewel or river and why it reminds us of the future -- try to bottle the smells of forest and sea and make you all see it through our eyes -- try to tell you why we will remember a stranger's smile and forget where we saw it, and when -- try to explain the little cry you feel inside when you watch a movie kiss -- try to explain all the things we still are just beginning to grasp, and fail. It is for the discoverer to find. Our special hearts are caches full of secrets, ready to give away any to the first offer. Secrets like twirling skirts and listening for an hour and babies and recipes and crying and everything else we hide up inside because we are taught that they are unwanted. That is why they are secrets. And no matter how much I wish I could tell you why I love sunlight and country roads so much, it would not make sense to you. Maybe, if you do not have secrets, and you have never understood a meadow, you have the better deal in the end, because you are not waiting forever to be discovered.

Desperation (aka appeal #2)

2009-08-11T10:42:00.004-04:00

OH AMERICA WHERE IS OUR DESPERATION?
Did we leave it between the seat cushions of our armchair Christianity?
Our brotherhood is dead!
This age of science and reason has eaten us up and spat us out, killing faith and leaving us BUMBLING, APATHETIC CARTOONS.
LOVE YOUR GOD oh hypocrites!
LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR oh judgmental people!
LOVE YOURSELVES oh bulimic gymnasium masses!
These anthems we sing are echoes of a holy dream, so take your outstretched hands down from the air and listen
take your dancing feet and lace them up with combat boots
grab the words you sing and strap them across your chest like grenades,
bury your selfishness and arise from the soggy lie that is your life and LIVE.
Our feet are stuck in quicksand apathy.
Our hands are tied by our own comfort.
When was the last time we made God laugh for joy?
Toting love like a brand, sipping our fair-trade coffee like justice is just another t-shirt to buy,
parroting verses to make our parents happy.
What do they even mean?
OH GOD we lost you in the laundry washing our designer clothes.
OH GOD we lost you when we traded in YOUR LOVE for a boyfriend, YOUR PEACE for a different high.
OH GOD pull us out of independence.
Pull us back where we belong, a state of complete loss, of brokenness.
HELP US FIND YOU IN OUR DESPERATION.

it's saturday

2009-08-08T13:29:00.002-04:00

I want a backpack badly.
Excited to go to Florida to visit grandparents. Not excited about Florida, about the grandparents. They're very cool.
I should read Wuthering Heights. Am I the only idiot who gets turned off of books because of font size or type? It's brilliant gothic prose, but in one of those squeeze-a-chapter-onto-a-page dollar editions. So I haven't read it. It's like Jane Eyre, except without orphans and more plot confusion. And it smells weird.
BreakING NEWS. i found my cherished peter pan dvd under old boxes while sorting cassette tapes. i have been searching for this dumb dvd for months. I have watched it 17 times. soon to be 18. It's my favorite movie. duh.
I can't really think of anything else to say..

blechh.

2009-08-04T22:51:00.002-04:00

my head hurts. specifically, one side of my head.

i actually forgot where the comma button was for a second.

and it's called a key, not a button.

help.

pandora = love

permit test = dumb

me = procrastinator

tomorrow morning = coming too soon

me = going to sleep now

i have to admit it's getting bett-ah

2009-08-01T15:10:00.002-04:00

romans 12 is like a slap in the face. so are wise people.

being thankful in all things sucks. i also can't make it happen in my head. so i try to make it happen in my actions.

ugh. i need to talk to this little white text box.

2009-07-30T22:11:00.003-04:00

the thermostat is way up, i guess to save money which i'm a fan of, but i mean it's really hot.
i don't actually know why i just wrote that.
so anyway, it's a normal life for me.
apparently i have some weird exhaustion issue where walking up a set of stairs makes me out of breath, waking up in the morning seems absurd, and all i want to do all day is sit. or die. and i don't want to be all dramatic when i say i think about dying a lot, and how i could die. because i don't really want to die. i mean if i have to, im ready. but it pops up in my thoughts a lot.
all the while haunted with a sense of ineffectiveness and purposelessness.
i also have a lot of school to finish, most of it US history. which is boring in large amounts. plus je vais enseigner une classe du francais cette annee aux petits au co-op et il faut que je la prepare. mais pas encore. parce qu'il y a beaucoup de temps...ouais. je connais, je connais. tais-toi, moi-meme.
i also have a pervading sense of loneliness. and whenever i try to explain this to my friends, they either get insulted (which is absurd) or they do not understand. i guess we're all alone in a sense. but i'm just very sick of the people in my life in general. which i do not mean offensively. it's just, i'm a lee woman, i was built to roam, to be chased by wanderlust all my days. staying in areas for a while is strange. "moving on" is my motto.
new jersey is the lee antonym.
and so are its people.
i need to get OUT. i need to be somewhere other than here.
or at least my mind and heart do.
i talk about college as if i'm going there in 2 weeks. i wish i was. i'm not.

i know what this is. last year, most of you know what happened last year after camp. real bad crash. satan is always getting me down. he's very very good at it. he knows my weakness about needing people to need me.
so does God.
i feel like i listen a lot. and then when i talk i feel guilty, like "i should not be holding up this conversation. i should be nice and listen because this person needs me to be there for them." then people expect that from me. i am a shoulder to cry on, an ear to talk to, and a gut to punch. that is who i am to people because i will take it. because i will forgive. not because i am good, but because my mind can erase it, mostly. some bitterness grows up in me sometimes but i kill it.
[this is me not killing it.]
i am bitter. i am used. i am open about how i feel. maybe now i can confront this. i don't know.
and then all of this rises up in me and i explode and it's unexpected. i feel angry.
and anyone who knows me knows that my solution for issues is to forget, to run away. to move on.
i have nowhere and no one to run to though.
apart from having God and my mother, i do not have a friend that is wiser than me.
this is a problem.
i am very close with my mother, but i need someone a few years older than me that i can talk to. or someone the same place as me. [thank you, suzanna.]
90% of the people i would list as my friends are at least a year and a half younger than me.
this is ok. i'm their mommish figure, the one that texts them to make sure they're not pmsing too bad, the one that runs the google and facebook background check on their boyfriends. the one with the brass knuckles to kill said boyfriends when they act like typical 14 year old boys: kind of stupid. the one that's been through it already, and can say, no you're not the only one that ever felt this way. you're ok, you're ok.
but when you are mother of all and friend of none, you pretty much shrivel up into a spiritual prune because there is no one else being a mentor to you.
i don't want to sound like i'm on a pedestal. there is nothing i have done to make me this way. through a series of natural, supernatural, wonderful, absolutely hellish warfare, heartache, growth, and pruning, i am old.
suddenly i left the rest of a lot of people behind.
when i talk, people sometimes do try to listen. but i think a lot of what i say doesn't make sense because they haven't gone through or understood what i am/do.
this post probably doesn't make any sense.
i've been avoiding social stuff recently. weird for me i know. the butterfly had its wings emotionally clipped i suppose. just realizing that in the book of eternity, i am not even in the same chapter as anyone else i know. whether im ahead or behind, whatever. all i know is i am alone.
i mean, i have to amend that every time i say it. I have God. and He listens to me. he smiles at my poetry and holds me when i cry. he's got my hand and he's writing my chapter. and while i talk to him through the day i do not feel alone in my soul. and even writing that is like wrapping myself with a big quilt on a cold night.
but i am still bothered to the point of garble-crying-screaming into my pillow at 4am wondering why i can't be happy, why i can't like where how what i am, wondering why it isn't good enough for me.
i have dreams of throwing parties and nobody comes. over and over again. it's very strange. because i probably would have a lot of people come to a party. but still. and the lights turn off and they say cmon joanna nobodys coming you have to go home. but i dont know where home is. and then i wake up.
i just wish i could be satisfied.

i'm sorry this was so long. i actually was going to journal this, but i hate my new journal. and i spent 10 dollars on it so i feel obligated to write in it but it hurts my wrist. plus writing longhand makes me tired. so i put it here.

Sixteen

2009-07-21T17:22:00.001-04:00

Sixteen, I turn sixteen
and we celebrate like it is a blessing
not a curse. Just wait –
that is sixteen, waiting –
although my heart cries out for a husband
although my body longs to carry children
I am ready, I am ready
but words like future and career
are carried like they weigh the world.
Sixteen, and I’m empty.
My heart expanding all the time to hold
what should be filling it
I end up with a pile of wishes
and weariness all the time.
Sixteen, that is not so old.
So why this ache, this sorrow?
They mock me when I cry at
songs I’ve never heard before,
things I’ve never seen before.
They forget sixteen.
Sixteen, and I already feel the lure of death.
Wondering at adventures I can hear calling me,
but I’m glued to a desk chair
until they let me go free.
Sixteen, a body with hips and new feelings.
Touching my hair, my chest, eyes fastened to the mirror,
am I good enough? Am I beautiful enough?
Or will I have to keep trying?
Sixteen, and the tears come from nowhere,
I do not understand this surface,
Deep down I have grasped with strong soul-hands
this new woman I suddenly am.
They won’t try to see.
Sixteen, dreaming of love like
listening to a faraway song. Sighing,
remembering daydreams and his
long brown hair and crying, homesick for
a house never built, heartsick for
a man never met.
Sixteen, and I am full to the brim of feeling.
I am baptized in sixteen, then caged –
I cannot move –
because they do not remember
sixteen, beaten like my heart is shameful,
my body is scandalous,
and my soul is unwanted.
Oh sixteen,
why are you me?

To The Church.

2009-07-02T17:48:00.002-04:00

We come to church to get a spoonful of God.
Too bad he never came in that size.

The elderly sit, stone-faced.
The teenagers whisper jokes in the back row.
Kids pass notes, fidget and doodle.
The twenty-somethings look lost.
The forty-somethings look tired.
Crinkly noises of pages turning.
We are all confused.

They put ten people on the stage to make us sing.
They could have had forty. It wouldn't have changed us.
Wave your hands, o Zion. Sway to the music.
Do you even know who you praise?
Roll your eyes, o children. You'll never listen.

He preaches words we've heard many times before.
We still don't listen.
Same voice same Bible. They don't register.

We are the same church because we are consumed with sameness.

Will you take our praise, o God?
Will you hear us?
Will you unbend us, o God?
Will you change us?

a may poem [supposed to be read aloud]

2009-07-02T17:41:00.002-04:00

so tired God of the little things that add up to make life ring in my ears like the screams of far away fears waiting oh waiting for heart and brain to one plus one equals one again always oh always looking over shoulders and asking for directions but my feet still won't move can you point can you call me so i can follow i'm stuck i'm stuck lift my feet but they're too deep in deadness i took too much spirit painkiller i'm numb i'm dumb i'm done i'm gone too far i'm comatose i'm frozen this is worse than the hurt waiting for you to see well i've been standing here a while can you hear me now i need something to go on keep whispering keep whispering it might reach me it might not be too late because i'm so tired of standing here stuck God either just bring me a chair so i can sit down and rest or point somewhere and make me run i can't stand how deadened i feel i can't feel at all but help me trust that this is where you would have be and feeling is second from loving

april poem #2 [gotta start again]

2009-07-02T17:28:00.004-04:00

4/15/09

God, I gotta start again.
You've given me a flicker of a flame,
enough for a jump-start.
But something keeps me from taking the plunge.
Logic? Fear? Pride?
I'm scared of myself.
I want to back down.
I'd be doing it just for myself.
The ambiguity is killing me.
Holding on to some wild dream,
I don't even know what it is.
But my soul does,
and You do.
So teach me the way I'm supposed to trust You.
Bring out my blindfold.
Lead me through the valley.
Teach me my sins.
Break my heart.
God, I gotta start again.

april poem #1 [is this how we begin]

2009-07-02T17:17:00.003-04:00

written during communion 4/5/09

cloudy day, i'm feeling cloudy too
waiting for a sign, show me
what to do, wishing and wanting and
remembering those times when
i was yours and you were mine,
with nowhere to go but straight to your arms,
fighting the battle, protected from harm, but
oh where have you gone?
you're way too quiet, if you're
speaking then i can't hear it.
if something's blocking my ears, if you're
still catching my tears, give me a sign
if i'm out of line, teach me the way
should i say i believe when i can't feel?
but oh i believe, yes i believe.
i'm just blind again.
i'm not distressed or depressed, i'm just
waiting and
wondering: is this how we begin again?
i'm one thousand three hundred and four years old
i've been wearing these tattered old robes
way too long. i'm ancient. i'm proud.
show me my sin.
these little chips and cups have lost their meaning again.
i'm floating half-aware in a sea of apathy.
lukewarm waters, quiet, still, and easy.
i want out, God, please...

michael jackson

2009-06-27T12:43:00.002-04:00

So the most I know of Michael Jackson is the misery that was a synchronized swimming routine back in the November of 9th grade.
Yes, there were white gloves involved.
It was a cool routine, but it's hard to swim with a sparkly bow tie laced frighteningly tight around your neck (because in synchro, it is better for you to die than to lose your costume) and one white glove. Every time I hear Michael Jackson, I feel that scratchy bow tie around my neck.
Other than that, I know very little. I do remember thinking he was a woman until a few years ago [all I had seen were pictures. Can you blame me?].
But still, it was weird when he died. It's sort of like when Steve Irwin died. You never think of the Crocodile Hunter as a human who COULD die. He's more of a character, like Superman or something. They don't die. And when they do, it's just so they can come back dramatically from some other dimension, toting alien superpowers and their long-lost mother or something. Steve Irwin, taken down by a stingray? How ironic. He's not supposed to die.
And Mr. Rogers. He couldn't die either. Who would feed his fish? But he did anyway.
Michael Jackson wasn't exactly human to me, more of an icon of pop and scratchy bow ties.
R.I.P. And for pete's sakes, don't you dare come swirling back from another dimension. So overdone.

pet peeves

2009-06-11T14:19:00.003-04:00

the sound of chewing ice
whistling interrupting a nice silence
alarm clocks
milk boiling over
the word "fondle"
any effeminate word coming from a man's mouth, eg "splendid"
awkward moments in movies created merely for awkward suspense. these depend on the movie, but usually, i leave the room for the duration of awkwardness
cutter jokes/anorexic jokes
clingy people/needy people
chewy pasta
girls that overanalyze boys
tucked-in shirts (collared or for a formal function does not count)
people that make a big deal about farting or burping
people that put other people in boxes
people that put God in a box
people that try to put their lives in a box
bad writers
pretentious poetry/prose/writing (stilted, coming across trying to sound too smart or poetic...too thought-out)
your vs. you're
being angry
lukewarm coffee
being sad
bees and bee-like insects
my ipod randomly pausing
people that live in the past, picking at old scabs
greasy hair
hangnails
ponchos (the fad is OVER, people...)
twilight
people that hate french
people unaware about the falsity of relativity
Jonathan
prolly the second worst is forgetting something important.
probably the worst is being in the middle of a fight or in a room where people are fighting. even when my friends fight with their brothers or something, i have to make them stop, and if they don't, i have to leave. if someone's mad at me, i either shut down, leave, or explode and run away. i hate fighting.

my brilliant theory

2009-06-11T09:08:00.003-04:00

in three parts.
(i am pretty sure i made this up. if someone else did before me, props.)

1. people want to understand themselves.

2. people want to be understood

2. people want to understand other people.

1. everyone wants to understand the little soul inside themselves, and they will go to ridiculous lengths to find it. other than searching for God, people want to search for themselves first. They don't see that in finding God you find yourself.

2. everyone wants to have someone "get" them. how do you rejoice about your friends? "they GET me, yo!" after discovering how complex you are inside yourself, you want other people to find that part of you too. when your friends or parents don't understand you (or mislabel or judge you) you feel insulted. why? they've turned away that piece of yourself, rejected it.

3. and everyone wants to be that person that "gets" someone.

thoughts?

six ways of looking at hope

2009-05-31T22:11:00.001-04:00

A rich river of thick, sweet hope
in a bland world
running, rushing through
dirt, trickling in rivulets
through the dustiest corners
of souls and worlds. Drink deeply.

Reach out, reach out and hold on. It’s expensive hope free for the taking.
Hold out, hold out and carry on. This is beautiful love in the making.

A tree, full of children playing
on the branches heavy with
fruit the colors of brilliant
rainbow. Take a bite and juicy,
sticky hope dribbles down your chin.

Reach out, reach out and hold on. It’s expensive hope free for the taking.
Hold out, hold out and carry on. This is beautiful love in the making.

A giant waterfall in the middle of a
dense, dark forest. Sun is shining, families
splash in the water. Breathe the fresh
air. Get your clothes soaked, let the
cascading hope caress your weary, sweaty head
and baptize you in cold newness.

Reach out, reach out and hold on. It’s expensive hope free for the taking.
Hold out, hold out and carry on. This is beautiful love in the making.

An army of tired 9-to-5-ers, school-and-future-laden
youth, mothers weighed with children
and dead dreams. They are all handcuffed, chained
to despair. Hope is the key.

Reach out, reach out and hold on. It’s expensive hope free for the taking.
Hold out, hold out and carry on. This is beautiful love in the making.

The sun sets, vibrant purple and gold. We
can watch the sun set because we know
it’ll come back right in time to push away
the darkness, let the stars scatter and lift
up the curtain for the hope that always dawns at
the end of night.

Reach out, reach out and hold on. It’s expensive hope free for the taking.
Hold out, hold out and carry on. This is beautiful love in the making.

Reach out and take hope’s hand. It’s scarred
from sanding wood and saving the world. Hands
that made people see again, made people walk again.
Those same hands are eager to scoop you up
and save you.

Reach out, reach out and hold on. It’s expensive hope free for the taking.
Hold out, hold out and carry on. This is beautiful love in the making.

taking a cue from zach

2009-05-29T01:04:00.005-04:00

reading his posts, blogging works best in the early AM.

so yeah. my ipod playlists are weird. my brain is very confused. attack attack and the oklahoma soundtrack don't add up in my mind. listening to music at night usually either makes me restless or really tired. i was hoping for tired. got restless. took a pink pill but it hasn't kicked in yet.

hmm. me. i wrote a scathing poem about my church ... during church .. last week. politically-correct-ified it but still sounds too offensive.
isaiah never had this issue. except he was kind of under divine instruction or whatever.

i mean, my poetry is God-inspired. i don't write a lot of my poetry. that doesn't mean it's scripture, it means it's God-glorifying. some people don't get it though.

but i feel kind of like a prophetess with this poem. if that's not blasphemous to say. prophetess as is saying the nasties no one acknowledges, instead of boogly-boogly crystal balls.
whaaaatever.

i had a really cool moment the other day at a boardwalk. y'all know the song "chasing cars" by snow patrol? well it's a song i used to put on repeat and fall asleep to while dreaming about all sorts of wonderful things. it's like the soundtrack of my hopes and dreams. seriously.
so i'm getting strapped into this ride, the kind that you go around in in one big circle, and as soon as the ride starts, the speakers start playing this song. i was swooping and soaring and flying above the ocean, singing the song of my heart. no joke.
ever been on a rollercoaster and felt like you were flying?
ever heard a song and it made you want to do everything in the world, and cry, and laugh at the same time?
ever been excited about the future?
ever loved God?
combine, like, all of those feelings.

it was amazing.

oh, and i drove a car. i keep saying that, and it's true. did i mention i drove a car?
the important fact is that i am terrified of driving.
*was.

every time i see the half-blood prince trailer, i pee myself, just a little.

a word for my life right now is content. my wonderful Mimi labeled me as such when i saw her Thursday. it is so correct. i feel very much at peace with myself, my God and my world. it's nice.

i haven't been blogging lately because I've been journaling more and more. i have anne frank aspirations. if i die, you are all responsible for publishing my drivel.

i'm wondering about dying my hair again. i don't want to cut it because i like it long (for now). it's 50/50 actually. i kinda wanna pull a holly short tho. cropped and red.
otherwise, i'm stuck with my roots-brownbottoms-black style. which is weird.
HAIR DRAY-MA.
gimme a break. its 1 in the morning. what else am i gonna talk about?

oh i just realized that a lot of people come to me for advice. which is strange because i don't think of myself as a very sympathetic or nice person.

my knee's been hurting off and on today. limping is fun though. it makes me feel important. like a pirate. because pirates are important.
now i want a parrot.

so

2009-05-13T23:04:00.001-04:00

1. i got food poisoning.
2. then i did two plays.
3. then i overheated.
4. then i threw up.
5. all night.
6. and morning.
7. then i didn't sleep.
8. then i did.
9. then i blogged.

2009-04-24T10:42:00.001-04:00

I can freakin blog from my phone! I can't decide whether i love or hate the twenty-first century. This is definitely cool. Just a little bizarre...

quick note

2009-04-24T10:27:00.002-04:00

if you read my blog on google reader, you're missing out on 1. said soundtrack music and 2. pretty greenness.

weird things

2009-04-24T10:21:00.002-04:00

things are weird.
nails are weird.
not having a crush is weird.
not having pain is weird.
being addicted to the slumdog millionaire soundtrack is weird.
singing it is weird too.
spelling weird is weird.
cold feet are weird.
my torso length is weird.
getting new glasses is weird.
gerbils are weird.
girls are weird.
cars are weird.
falling in love with a spiritual entity is weird.

some lists

2009-04-17T23:24:00.004-04:00

If you're reading this, consider yourself automatically tagged!

HOMELY ADVICE FROM THE JO
Random lists of random things in tens. Make up YOUR own questions!

10 ways to get into journaling:
1. Buy one that has smaller pages. That way you feel more accomplished when you actually DO write something.
2. Doodle, tape, collect, paint inside it.
3. Make a habit of writing every day before you go to bed. Just a little is good too.
4. Bring it with you, get used to it.
5. Use a writing tool that's comfortable.
6. Buy a pretty one! Or if it's a composition notebook, do collage on the front. Make it something that you'll want to carry around with you.
7. Don't beat yourself up about how dumb you sound.
8. Develop a writing style you feel comfortable in (maybe you talk to the journal Anne Frank style, maybe you vaguely address people in first person like I do...etc).
9. Don't edit yourself while you write.
10. make it personal, comfortable, and beautiful. Like a slice of you.

10 ways to feel better if you're sick
1. Take a shower
2. Go for a walk or bike ride, or if it's cold,
3. green tea + blanket + good book
4. Call a friend and have a pity party
5. Play an instrument
6. Watch a movie with actors with British accents
7. Listen to upbeat music/dance
8. swallow honey for a sore throat or use vicks for a cold
9. drinking nice ice water makes you feel awake and happy.
10. sleep in. way in.

10 people i would marry in a heartbeat (not really advice...but i wanted to make a list anyway.) (i have graciously provided pictures or videos of these wonderful men. you need to meet them.)
1. Bradley Hathaway (of poetry fame)
2. Jamal Malik (slumdog millionaire star and capturer of my heart)
3. Aaron Gillespie (The Almost and Underoath's god of awesome hair.)
4. David Crowder (obvious)
5. Mac (from an obscure Alcott novel. Don't expect you to understand)
6. Artemis Fowl (my ex-husband)
7. Aragorn (Lord of the Rings, of course. Step aside, Arwen.)
8. Faramir (Also. He is more suitable, as I am Eowyn. But Aragorn is hotter.)
9. Any boy with these characteristics: crazy for God, me, life, and music or art. And he must have scruffy facial hair. And wear plaid. And enjoy random acts of insanity. And be willing to talk most of the time. But I don't want a boy now. i want a man later. Get me? Kay.
But if you do find a guy like that....give him my number. hehe.
10. Tyler (because she asked. very nicely.)

10 songs that will make you happy (i have graciously added the indiefeed/youtube links for you on some. they are all clean. except for the katy perry one.)
1. Night Vision Binoculars - Passenger
2. Sour Cherry - The Kills
3. We Shine - Fee (lost in scranton version is better though<3) href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY3CehyfUko">Hot N Cold - Katy Perry
6. Notice Me - Taxi Doll
7. Half Asleep - School of Seven Bells
8. Shine like the Stars - Stellar Kart
9. Anticonformity - Krystal Meyers
10. Violin - They Might Be Giants

10 things to NEVER say/do to a boy
1. "How do you feel?" (always ask action questions with a guy, not emotion questions. Emotions are confusing to men. Start them off with something easy.)
2. Get upset if he doesn't text/call you back. (60% of the time, they're doing something else that matters. 99% of the time, they're NOT doing it to spite you.)
3. Flirt for the sake of flirting. (It's very confusing and mean to a guy, not to mention it makes you feel like a loser later.)
4. Tearing him down. (Teasing or embarassing him, especially in front of other people.)
5. Stalking him. (Let guys do the calling and texting. A creepy stalker girl is frightening and intimidating.)
6. "What are you thinking about?" (1. That's flirting. See #3. 2. Guys don't just...think. Not their thing.)
7. Discuss feminine ways and products around them as if he isn't there (e.g. bras, tampons, periods, etc. I am guilty of this one. i have to realize they belong to a different world.)
8. Treat them like idiots. (Not jokingly, as I am doing now, but actually treat them like they're slower.)
9. Ignore them.
10. The worst: Wanting him to conform to who you think he should be. (Let him be himself.)

10 good books of the bible
1. John
2. Psalms
3. Hebrews
4. 1st John
5. Romans
6. Genesis
7. Isaiah
8. 2nd Peter
9. James
10. Ruth

10 objects that are good to have
1. something to play music. Like a stereo or a zune or an ipod.
2. a candle. because.
3. a crowbar. just in case.
4. converse. no explanation needed.
5. a webcam. to annoy your facebook friends with.
6. a blog. to annoy other people with.
7. a journal. to annoy yourself with.
8. a piece of clothing stolen from a sibling. because stolen fruit is sweeter. (therefore, stolen clothes are softer.)
9. a book. any book will do.
10. underwear.

10 reasons why i did this
1. i was bored.
2. i'm on a roll, i've already filled out some other dumb list-like stuff on facebook.
3. i need to write more on my blog...and this seemed the easiest way to do it.
4. i'm tired.
5. but i can't sleep.
6. i don't want to get up.
7. i have no life.
8. it was either this or dishes, actually.
9. i had nothing better to do.
10. i wanted to pass along my jo-ness and my awesomeness and my advice to y'all.

Have an awesome night. Morning. Whatever. Enjoy.

the nametag poem

2009-04-17T15:08:00.001-04:00

I picked up one of those little nametags,
You know, the kind with the hello my name is
Blank
And I was thinking man
If you want to get to know me
There’s a heck of a lot I gotta fit in that little
White rectangle.
But here goes.
HELLO MY NAME IS
Joanna lee rutter.
Dumb name, except for the first part.
Lee was the name I took from my mother and rutter was my dad’s and if you look
real hard there’s double letters in each name and
when I was 6 that was cool.
HELLO MY NAME IS
Jojo, that’s my clown name the one that I let my friends call me cause
it makes me seem way more fun and bouncy than I
really am most of the time, makes me sound like a rambunctious
whatever in sugar rehab.
Which is true but we’re not gonna talk about that.
HELLO MY NAME IS
If you listen to me, you’ll call me
Jo, cause that’s
the one I like cause it fits, like
a pair of old soft jeans.
HELLO MY NAME IS
Not joanne.
HELLO MY NAME IS
A lot less than me. If you wanted, I could
take a couple years and try to
fit myself onto a piece of paper for you to read, but
it would take a lot less time for us to
talk.
HELLO MY NAME IS
I listen to Jonas Brothers and Underoath
in the same playlist. I wear hippie clothes, hobo clothes, preppy
clothes, clothes don’t matter much. I don’t go for that
cakey makeup stuff, if I have a pimple
it will shine on my face
gloriously.
I eat and I don’t care if I get fat.
I stopped caring a long time ago and
what do ya know it works. So
take your seventeen magazine miss america and
you know where to shove it.
Don’t hate.
HELLO MY NAME IS
I got the memory of an old lady, so
chances are if you’ve been mean to me
I don’t remember.
Every day a new one, every friend a new one.
I move on and I don’t hold on.
HELLO MY NAME IS
If you squint past the awkward insanity and the silly film
you will see something you might not like.
I love God and I love you, which you might
find hard to handle. Cause I’m one of
those people that ask how are you and I’m interested in
the truth.
HELLO MY NAME IS
I got some pain, sure, and
just like everybody else I shove it
way
way
deep down
and pretend it isn’t there, but sometimes I can’t help but
let it bubble out sometimes.
The thing about pain is even when you give it to God
it keeps sticking to you like a stain, it won’t come off.
But I got joy mostly, cause I have
a lot to be joyful about, especially the pain cause
that pain’s just residue of a change, the ashes.
And I’m glad it’s there to remind me.
HELLO MY NAME IS
I dance for God
even though
I can’t see Him most of the time.
Doesn’t mean I don’t trip.
HELLO MY NAME IS
Well, I got some issues, not like that
dumb stuff from last summer when I thought it would be
cool to be in pain,
I’m over that. I got pride, and
I get away with it.
I judge like I’m the king of the world, but
I’m no better than the rest of you.
HELLO MY NAME IS
I’m like those cell diagrams you see in
your biology textbook.
Transparent but complicated.
The transparent thing scares everybody
away. I got an issue with that. I feel like
I’m at the zoo in a cage with the sign
BEWARE OF THE JO
written in bold across the top.
But it’s cool. I like being different.
HELLO MY NAME IS
Life is one big transition from cradle to grave.
I’m somewhere in the middle and
man, I’m kind of lost but I got hold of
His hand so I
kinda have a
hazy idea of
where we’re headed.
It’s somewhere scary and good.
HELLO MY NAME IS
Attempting poetry, wrapping my
heart in a little paper ball
and sending it through the English language and
hoping it comes out making sense
somewhere along the line.
HELLO MY NAME IS
Just like you. I want people to be able to read my nametag.

et voila!

2009-03-12T16:40:00.002-04:00

see? no real pattern, no real rules, just a picture. it's barely poetry, it's barely art.
i'm going to do a series of these, just as insights into my life. that was one i thought up while in an awkward car ride on the way to MCC. can YOU write a tableau? consider yourself tagged.

wednesday afternoon [ tableau I ]

2009-03-12T16:33:00.003-04:00

A rain-splattered van
on the way to class. Highway
hum a white noise, trees
on either side blurring
gray into the milky empty sky.
There wasn't much she
could have said, and even
if she had said it, it wouldn't have made a
difference. So she stayed quiet,
fixing her eyes on the wet road ahead,
savoring the feeling of
moving forward.

experiments in the english language evil scientist laugh

2009-03-12T16:28:00.002-04:00

i've decided to invent my own form of poetry.
"THE GALL!" "the NERVE!!"
yes. my very own.
it is called Tableauxism. (TAB' loh izz' um)

basically, a tableau is a portrait or a picture, in this case, a literary painting. The purpose of a tableau is to give the reader a mental picture.

[ tableauxism = mental art ]

i know this method is used a lot, but in this kind of tableaux the phrases or thoughts will be chopped up into different lines to give emphasis on a certain point or word.

still have no idea what i'm talking about? ok. example...

words from the wise

2009-03-12T16:25:00.002-04:00

cherish these young days, child.
hold them close to your heart
and do not let go
for soon you will be old
and they'll be gone.
cherish these late nights, child.
talk until dawn
and cry until you are sore
for soon you will be old
and you'll move on.
cherish these dark times, child.
learn from the pain
and never forget
for soon you will be old
and you'll be strong.

awesome eyebrow video...

2009-02-13T22:03:00.002-05:00

worth the 30 seconds.

explaining...

2009-01-29T18:58:00.001-05:00

the poemtry* that follows is stuff i've written in the past month or so. i wanted to share it with y'all.

*poemtry is not actually a word. but it is in my head.

just another psalm

2009-01-29T18:52:00.003-05:00

My God, it is just as these
well-worn verses have said.
It is a dry and barren land, but
this is exactly where you want me.
So I am home.
If you are with me, who then do I have to
fear?
And still I fear.
I am selfish, penning the second
psalms as I cry at the bottom of a self-dug
pit. "Mercy" is my cry. Mercy.
It is the one thing I have to cling to
as those thoughts come again. And even so,
even though I am dwelling in your house
forever, I quickly forget
it is you who saves.
Move through this broken child, tape
me back and dance though my
thoughts, haunt my words, push
the hair back from my eyes and let
me crawl back to where I belong:
inside Your hand, curled up asleep,
awaiting the next battle
and dreaming of eternity.

this thing

2009-01-29T18:47:00.002-05:00

the stars are mine tonight.
only i know their facets.
the moon's face i have touched on this
quiet night that is
mine. everything is mine, the trees zipping
by, the delicate barren
branches holding up the sky,
a deep purple sky that is so much
smaller than this
feeling. the world is new, the stars are
new to me tonight. reality and
daydreams merge, only, they explode. i am
reborn. my fingers crackle with a
keen energy. what can i touch?
who can i heal? i am
jumping off the edge, i am
falling. i know it must
end. the crash. the cold.
but i will fly while i can.

the dance

2009-01-29T18:44:00.002-05:00

it is a delicate dance, this
careful sidestep, this careful
hiding.
I step -- you step
away
I twirl closer -- you twirl
away you
taunt with promises of
honesty and
friendship but really
- really -

if you do not want me, then you will
have to tell me.
otherwise i will
never give up i will
make the musicians play all
night until we get this
right. Step, one, two -
and join hands. Step, one, two -
speak.
your turn.
shall we
dance?

waiting for what could have been

2009-01-29T18:28:00.003-05:00

when night falls
and I lie awake thinking
waiting for dreams
wishing for sleeping
i try to identify
the cause of my unrest
i guess i'm waiting for what could have been

as i grow
and i watch myself changing
unfolding like wings
growing like reaching
i try to identify
the thing holding me back
i guess i'm waiting for what could have been

all the "what-ifs"
and all my wonderings
play themselves over
and over in my musings
unhopeful and worried, lost and alone
i'm just waiting for what could have been

as i watch
my life starts tumbling
wounding my hope
and quickly crumbling
what's the one thing
keeping me from Your arms?
i'm still waiting for what could have been
i'll keep holding my breath for what could have been

yet another psalm

2009-01-29T18:18:00.002-05:00

God, you are my God.
Eagerly I seek you, like a blind man
desperate for light. Open my
eyes. If I keep going on like this,
I will die. The sun of your glory
is warm on my face. I can feel
just how near you are. Let me
touch you, hold me in your
strong arms. Your love is a
sweet aroma all around you.
Let me bury my face in the deep
folds of your glory and breathe
you in, out and in, until my
lungs are filled and all I can do
is open my mouth and sing, give
back, return your love to you because
it is the only worthy thing I have to give you.
I will keep breathing you in and
singing out until this earthly breath
dies out, and then my eyes will be
opened, and I will see the sun in
all its brightness and glory. And
I will know the meaning of eternity.
Love God, for He is worthy of our love.
Praise be to God, who warms our faces.
Praise be to God, who is forever.

herbert rappaport

2009-01-23T15:36:00.000-05:00

"I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some."

missing this.

2009-01-22T15:47:00.000-05:00

the best sunset in the world. two points for whoever knows where this is!

the obnoxious music is gone

2009-01-22T15:26:00.000-05:00

it started getting annoying.
so it's gone.

just a life update

2009-01-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

life is crazy, good crazy.

1
dentist's assistant: "your face matches your shirt! (laughs like that was funny. it was a green shirt)

2
practicing the presence of God is not something that is easy, momentary, or passing. it is a delicate art of balancing purpose, priority, and humility. and cannot be achieved by anything other than realizing just how small a human actually is.
His arms are always around us. we just have to notice, stop fighting against them. then we can start being useful.

3
dodgeball + wisdom teeth removal + hyper brother = pain

4
when things start going terribly wrong spiritually (i.e., you discover your friends are fighting against some serious spiritual warfare, your family starts going insane, your schoolwork starts piling up) you know that you are on the right track. satan is trying to keep you away from the good that you are so obviously close to doing. trials = joy. although it took me three days to figure that out. slash, my whole life so far.

5
english at college with a psycho jewish lady officially rocks. so does the subject material, writing about survival. already knee-deep in virginia woolfe and journal entries. i live for this kind of thing.
negative side: i had to pull the God card on her on the first day (in-class, write essay about your personal definition of life and survival). i figured the sooner she knows, the better. we'll see what she thought...

6
blogging is easier than journaling. i have a journal, but i never write in it, and i have a journal that i share with somebody, but it's easy to write in that because we pretty much write letters to each other. so i like blogging. i guess i find words come more quickly when i know i have an audience.

7
i got my texting bill back. thank cheese it's unlimited.
1,746. in the past month-ish. the bill might be for just the past 2 weeks. either one is frightening.
it doesn't feel like it. i just find that all my girl friends communicate through texting. it doesn't distract me from school, and i don't do it a lot...it just starts adding up i guess. lol.
i still call people to talk about serious stuff, though. just a thing i have a problem with.

8
A friend said recently, "Being people's personal savior isn't your job."
Ouch.
I know whose job it is, too.
There's a fine line between pointing people back to God, and actually "playing Jesus."
Letting go of control is the hardest thing.

9
I purchased a pair of man pants at Target (tahr- ZHAY). They are red flannel, XL, and beautiful. They were three dollars.
Four days after I had bought them, I realized that the man pants had that strange hole in the frontal section that a lot of men's underwear does.
I had worn these pants in public, around friends, sat cross-legged in them.
Yeah.

10
I love green tea.

my wisdom teeth are gone.

2009-01-14T14:03:00.000-05:00

and with it comes a good story. (taken from a gchat conversation. kept in its original, pristine, post-operation ooginess, misspellings retained.)

me: ok

13:47 this dentist is kind of weird'

like, you know hes been snorting the gas when the patients go away

so i get in there

and i get stuff clipped to me to take my pulse and my blood pressure

so in come three ladies

like, the dentists girly squad or something

and

13:49 they strap a thing over my nose

and everything starts going....blurry and happy

im not kidding, i could stayed like that foirever

it was .... awesome

13:50 Jesus, friends and first love is the only thing better

...

neways

i kept on seeing needles and drills and giant pliers and thread and all i could think was

i am soooooo happy

there were bright lights

but i was listening to music

13:51 and i kept on sort-of falling asleep

and waking up because the dentist was shouting that something was going wrong

and i wasnt worried

i was so happy.

i crawled out into the car

my mouth bleeding profusely

but i was so happy

13:52 i think i scared my mom a little

i went home

crawled into bed

and woke up tweo hours later with blood all over my arm, and my head very much in pain

very much meaning here that my teeth were having babies or somnething

it hurt so bad

13:53 it still hurts

but at least im not bleeding.

13:54 the painkillers knock me out, so ive slept from 12-3, 6-9, 1-3, 5-11, and ive been up since

its weird

hey, 2009...that's cool i guess.

2009-01-05T21:24:00.000-05:00

If you hadn't noticed, the fact that it's 2009 has little OMG!!!ness to me.

I'm one of those people who just generally have an excitement about the future, so little things like numbers and dates have little effect on that...expectation, the knowledge and joy that things can go terribly right and wrong in a matter of moments.

I guess you could say i live for the future. The present doesn't have much effect on me either. Whatever i do now is preparing myself for tomorrow, in big or small ways. I think a lot about what might happen or "what would have happened," not in a worrying way, but in an interested way.

You could call me an enthusiast of the progression of time.

I'm half joyful and excited and brimming with something beyond anticipation...a purpose, a newness, a waiting-for-tomorrow-ness, because tomorrows erase the todays. If that makes sense.

A few things have changed since I last wrote. I think the biggest would be that God has been whispering sweet and terrifyling promises to me. No, I am not crazy. I have a sense of peace about this upcoming year, but I've been warned by Him that it's going to be the hardest so far. Just in different ways. So that's exciting.

Another thing which I think is worth mentioning is i have acquired a Friend. I say acquired because i am completely at a loss for a better verb. Note also the capital F. A very nice boy, whose name you can ask me privately so he doesn't get stalked, decided that he wanted to take our friendship to a different level. So now it's a Friendship, which means that we are in a relationship where we are just pursuing Friendship, not romance. But it's also different than a friendship.

Just to let you know, it's extremely weird for me to say that. The only reason I'm sharing it here is because Friending (as an alternative to dating) has been working out so far for us. I definitely think it would not work for some people, but it's a good idea if romance is both ABHORRENT and UNTIMELY at the moment for you.

Horray.

What else?

I got a new purity ring for christmas. Wanna know what number it is? 5.

That's right. I have lost one, grown out of one, lost one, and broke one. So my parents got me another one.

Please do not pull the "oh, it must be symbolic" joke, because it's already been tired out.

Yeah. I'm very determined not to lose this one. I haven't taken it off. It's very pretty. I can say that it makes me feel like a princess, and I can say it with a straight face, too.

I've also been eating unnatural amounts of chocolate. I've been gaining weight. Like, not in a gluttonous or unhealthy way, just...I am. And I'm not beating myself up about it. Which is really, really big.

So I guess that's all I have for now. I won't say happy new year. I'll say happy future!!

best cds of all time

2008-12-15T23:34:00.001-05:00

in artist alphabetical order (thanks iTunes) :

1. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles

2. Contact - The Benjamin Gate

3. Children 18:3 (title cd)

4. Illuminate - David Crowder

5. The Open Door - Evanescence

6. Crashing - Falling Up

7. Business Up Front/Party In The Back - Family Force 5

8. One Cell In the Sea- A Fine Frenzy

9. Flyleaf (title cd)

10. Traffic and Weather - Fountains of Wayne

11. Peter Pan sountrack - James Newton Howard

12. Redemption Songs - Jars of Clay

13. Fall EP - Jon Foreman

14. Dreaming of Revenge - Kaki King

15. With Arrows, With Poise - The Myriad

16. Chaotic Resolve - Plumb

17. End of Silence - RED

18. Divine Discontent - Sixpence None The Richer

19. Comatose - Skillet

20. Nothing Is Sound - Switchfoot

21. Over and Underneath - Tenth Avenue North

22. The Flame In All of Us - Thousand Foot Krutch

23. Vampire Weekend (title cd)

SIXTEEN

2008-12-10T12:44:00.001-05:00

weird.